18th June 2009
Thursday
‘If I don’t practice for one day, I know it; if I don’t practice for two days, the critics know it; if I don’t practice for three days, the audience knows it.’ – Ignacy Jan Paderewski
That pretty much sums up my thoughts.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Reflections
10th June 2009
Wednesday
Reflections from the water will reveal the truth
I sort of lost control over myself today. I got emotional over my results, and a couple of memories that were invoked by certain words. I know the current predicament I am in was brought upon by myself, and I only have myself to blame.
Liquor can't soothe the burns that has already occurred, and beer can't drown out all my frustrations. If I lived in a perfect world, I won't have to worry about the past, about results, about the future, and about the trumpet. But reality never fails to defy my imagined world. With not a single item flowing smooth, it really is a wonder why I keep persisting.
I've had enough of hiding behind excuses. I've had enough of people telling me that I am extremely fortunate to be doing what I love. I've had enough of people dusting me off like I am some worthless thing. I've had enough of being constantly compared to someone, and being looked at in disgust.
I am 20. I am a second year student in NAFA. I play the trumpet at a secondary 2 standard. I am doing badly at my studies. I can't juggle studies and my personal life. I have no idea where my future will lead to.
But fuck that shit.
I am sorry if this post is extremely self-indulgent, but this is about me, and it's all going to be about me from now on.
Wednesday
Reflections from the water will reveal the truth
I sort of lost control over myself today. I got emotional over my results, and a couple of memories that were invoked by certain words. I know the current predicament I am in was brought upon by myself, and I only have myself to blame.
Liquor can't soothe the burns that has already occurred, and beer can't drown out all my frustrations. If I lived in a perfect world, I won't have to worry about the past, about results, about the future, and about the trumpet. But reality never fails to defy my imagined world. With not a single item flowing smooth, it really is a wonder why I keep persisting.
I've had enough of hiding behind excuses. I've had enough of people telling me that I am extremely fortunate to be doing what I love. I've had enough of people dusting me off like I am some worthless thing. I've had enough of being constantly compared to someone, and being looked at in disgust.
I am 20. I am a second year student in NAFA. I play the trumpet at a secondary 2 standard. I am doing badly at my studies. I can't juggle studies and my personal life. I have no idea where my future will lead to.
But fuck that shit.
I am sorry if this post is extremely self-indulgent, but this is about me, and it's all going to be about me from now on.
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Results
6th June 2009
Saturday
3am in the morning...
Here I am, sitting at my laptop, with a litre of Erdinger beer in my belly. I am holding the letter which contains my examination results in my hand. But I am extremely hesitant about opening it.
Here's an update on my academics. I failed Theory 1B due to attendance problems. And I screwed up my Principal Studies module. History should be fine. But apparently, my part was the least prepared and had the least materials in the group. And for group evaluations, I have been consistently getting the lowest out of the group. Aural was pretty much a major fuck up. My ears seemed to be taking an off day during the examination, and I am only confident of getting the rhythm segment perfect.
But I have to face the truth sooner or later right? So here goes nothing.
...
...
...
...
...
Ok. Fuck. I don't feel like updating anymore.
Saturday
3am in the morning...
Here I am, sitting at my laptop, with a litre of Erdinger beer in my belly. I am holding the letter which contains my examination results in my hand. But I am extremely hesitant about opening it.
Here's an update on my academics. I failed Theory 1B due to attendance problems. And I screwed up my Principal Studies module. History should be fine. But apparently, my part was the least prepared and had the least materials in the group. And for group evaluations, I have been consistently getting the lowest out of the group. Aural was pretty much a major fuck up. My ears seemed to be taking an off day during the examination, and I am only confident of getting the rhythm segment perfect.
But I have to face the truth sooner or later right? So here goes nothing.
...
...
...
...
...
Ok. Fuck. I don't feel like updating anymore.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
June Update
4th June 2009
Thursday
The past month was totally horrible. If I was an ostrich, my head would have already been buried under 6 feet of sand.
Exam was a total flop, extreme embarrassment to myself, my teacher, and the standards expected of me. Why? Probably due to nerves. Let me recall what I thought of it immediately after stepping out of the examination room.
Basically whatever I had rehearsed came out only a third done. The comments sheet are released, and I'll do another update on what the officials say.
Been rather hooked on the sun and the beach. I guess this is a prelude to dive trips. I really can't get enough of the sand, sun, and sea. Sadly, no booze.
Had sentosa outing with Y Y Quack, W R Goh, and Z H Koh in the afternoon yesterday. Following the hours of soaking in the dirty water with the slimy sand, we went to meet up with the four girls, namely Christine, Pei Wen, Shirmain and Kosin at Plaza Singapura for dinner.
After a heavy meal at Sakae Sushi, we sat outside Fish n Co and they surprised me and Kenneth with two slices of cake (still sitting in my fridge as I type), and a bag each. I received a really nice puma bag to go along with my puma sneakers. Thanks for the gift!
I think it is time to start saving, and stop wasting money on needless expenditures. In the month of May, I totally blew it, and ended with less than $12 in my bank account, and only about 45cents in my wallet. That isn't even enough to take a bus these days. All the miscellaneous expenditures are unavoidable, but the entertainment expenditures should really be reduced.
Therefore, target for June : to end the month with at least $150 left in my bank account.
Alright. Update ends here. Till the next time I decide to update, please make do by watching Hell's Kitchen on youtube.
Thursday
The past month was totally horrible. If I was an ostrich, my head would have already been buried under 6 feet of sand.
Exam was a total flop, extreme embarrassment to myself, my teacher, and the standards expected of me. Why? Probably due to nerves. Let me recall what I thought of it immediately after stepping out of the examination room.
Went rather badly. Got stiff lips halfway through and the fast piece sounded
tight and lots of mispitches. And I panicked at some of the fingering bits. I
didn't get the style and feel right for the Carmen excerpt, and pulse and
intonation was off. Overall screwed up big time, and air wasn't flowing right.
Basically whatever I had rehearsed came out only a third done. The comments sheet are released, and I'll do another update on what the officials say.
Been rather hooked on the sun and the beach. I guess this is a prelude to dive trips. I really can't get enough of the sand, sun, and sea. Sadly, no booze.
Had sentosa outing with Y Y Quack, W R Goh, and Z H Koh in the afternoon yesterday. Following the hours of soaking in the dirty water with the slimy sand, we went to meet up with the four girls, namely Christine, Pei Wen, Shirmain and Kosin at Plaza Singapura for dinner.
After a heavy meal at Sakae Sushi, we sat outside Fish n Co and they surprised me and Kenneth with two slices of cake (still sitting in my fridge as I type), and a bag each. I received a really nice puma bag to go along with my puma sneakers. Thanks for the gift!
I think it is time to start saving, and stop wasting money on needless expenditures. In the month of May, I totally blew it, and ended with less than $12 in my bank account, and only about 45cents in my wallet. That isn't even enough to take a bus these days. All the miscellaneous expenditures are unavoidable, but the entertainment expenditures should really be reduced.
Therefore, target for June : to end the month with at least $150 left in my bank account.
Alright. Update ends here. Till the next time I decide to update, please make do by watching Hell's Kitchen on youtube.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
das ist nicht gut!
10th May 2009
Sunday
I held your hand, but you asked me to go. I sensed the bitterness in your words and the acidity in your gaze. Do you really hate me so?
I have been having sleepless nights, probably because of the upcoming exam on monday. My mind is running all over the place, and when it does get settled and I drift off to sleep, I get weird dreams.
I still can't get the triplets in Danza Movida to move in time. And my articulation is barely under control. When it comes to excerpts, Pines of Rome scares me. It really scares the shit out of me. How do I play high and controlled, with the feeling of such openess and freedom, and the vision of a breeze blowing through a pine forest?
I know I am panicking. I have every good reason to panic. I screwed up my scales last sem, and got a C. Now, I have to do better than that and get at least a B. But its just a horrid nightmare repeating itself over and over again. Everyday I see myself walking in to the pink room with Joseph (the pianist), and then messing up the entrance to piu mosso and rushing at all the triplets and stuff. It's just freaky.
Oh gosh. I hope everything runs smoothly tomorrow.
Sunday
I held your hand, but you asked me to go. I sensed the bitterness in your words and the acidity in your gaze. Do you really hate me so?
I have been having sleepless nights, probably because of the upcoming exam on monday. My mind is running all over the place, and when it does get settled and I drift off to sleep, I get weird dreams.
I still can't get the triplets in Danza Movida to move in time. And my articulation is barely under control. When it comes to excerpts, Pines of Rome scares me. It really scares the shit out of me. How do I play high and controlled, with the feeling of such openess and freedom, and the vision of a breeze blowing through a pine forest?
I know I am panicking. I have every good reason to panic. I screwed up my scales last sem, and got a C. Now, I have to do better than that and get at least a B. But its just a horrid nightmare repeating itself over and over again. Everyday I see myself walking in to the pink room with Joseph (the pianist), and then messing up the entrance to piu mosso and rushing at all the triplets and stuff. It's just freaky.
Oh gosh. I hope everything runs smoothly tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Just bad
6th may 2009
Wednesday
You are deemed to have failed. Chew on that.
I have been feeling pretty fucked up all the while now. Am I giving myself too much stress? But even so, it is simple things like pulse and rhythm. No excuse to mess those up. And also it has been almost 16 months since my embouchure change, and guess what? I am still hiding behind that excuse! Oh would you just give me a slap for that please?
School is nasty these days. I have just failed my Theory Ib even before sitting for the paper. Due to attendance issue, "you are deemed to have failed this module". And with certain staff within the music department, hostility is still running high among the students. Oh, my attendance failure has certainly got to do with them.
But I gave up caring shit about what goes on in school. What is the point of making a whole lot of fuss and making everyone unhappy, but you still cannot play your principle instrument? I have decided that losers will just have to shut the fuck up and simply take all the shit that is dished out to them.
So, one night before the supposedly Theory Ib examination day, I am here blogging, and whining about shit. That makes me an even bigger loser. And then I will whine more. Thus begins the endless cycle of being a big loser.
Funny how some people can make others feel totally worthless just by doing what they do. It just comes so naturally, that even with you hard at work, it seems that never in 27153 years will you be able to produce the same quality with such ease.
Totally clueless about my future. All is fucked? Just the norm.
Wednesday
You are deemed to have failed. Chew on that.
I have been feeling pretty fucked up all the while now. Am I giving myself too much stress? But even so, it is simple things like pulse and rhythm. No excuse to mess those up. And also it has been almost 16 months since my embouchure change, and guess what? I am still hiding behind that excuse! Oh would you just give me a slap for that please?
School is nasty these days. I have just failed my Theory Ib even before sitting for the paper. Due to attendance issue, "you are deemed to have failed this module". And with certain staff within the music department, hostility is still running high among the students. Oh, my attendance failure has certainly got to do with them.
But I gave up caring shit about what goes on in school. What is the point of making a whole lot of fuss and making everyone unhappy, but you still cannot play your principle instrument? I have decided that losers will just have to shut the fuck up and simply take all the shit that is dished out to them.
So, one night before the supposedly Theory Ib examination day, I am here blogging, and whining about shit. That makes me an even bigger loser. And then I will whine more. Thus begins the endless cycle of being a big loser.
Funny how some people can make others feel totally worthless just by doing what they do. It just comes so naturally, that even with you hard at work, it seems that never in 27153 years will you be able to produce the same quality with such ease.
Totally clueless about my future. All is fucked? Just the norm.
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Breakthrough!
5th April 2009
Sunday
Butterflies and hurricanes.
Checking in again after a long absence. And I have a feeling the next update would take quite a bit of time as well.
There has been some progress in certain matters. Mood has been improving as well. And I do realise that mood has a lot to do with overall performance and attitude. Once I had a slight revelation in my playing, my mood brightened a little, and all of a sudden, everything that has been going haywire in the past two years fell right in line.
But what is immensely difficult is the manipulation of your feelings. How can I stay focused in a positive attitude constantly? How can I tackle the multiple hurdles that stand against me, without falling to anger and frustration?
Exams are coming soon. Submissions are coming soon. And this semester, I have to do a hell lot better than what I did previously. Not just for the results, but also to prove to myself that I have a future, and I am better than everyone else.
Not surprisingly, there are a lot of resentment going on in school. Against the workloads, against the lack of practice facilities, against the lack of consistant lessons, etc. But still, half of it is blown way out of proportion, and the other half, simply a by-product of stress and anger.
Certain issues in the past couple of weeks have been blown up to rather big. And is causing quite a lot of tension and friction among some people. Am I being selfish, or two faced by simply listening to all sides of the story and staying focused on my target? But bystanders can see the reasons for the decisions made by my colleagues.
Quoting a certain someone, "a teacher is not simply one you learn from, but a mentor that guides you through life." Which I think is rather true. In a way, good educators teach students skills that will be of use in the future in different situations.
Back to recent events, Xinmin Secondary School Symphonic Band (XMSB) has attained a Gold with Honours in the recent SYF 2009. Quite an impressive record, considering that the band sounds weird when broken down into sections. But still, kudos to them. Hope ticket sales will skyrocket through the ceiling!
Do drop by and support yeah?
Xinfony IX
http://www.esplanade.com.sg/whats_on/programme_info/xinmin_symphonic_band/index.jsp
Sunday
Butterflies and hurricanes.
Checking in again after a long absence. And I have a feeling the next update would take quite a bit of time as well.
There has been some progress in certain matters. Mood has been improving as well. And I do realise that mood has a lot to do with overall performance and attitude. Once I had a slight revelation in my playing, my mood brightened a little, and all of a sudden, everything that has been going haywire in the past two years fell right in line.
But what is immensely difficult is the manipulation of your feelings. How can I stay focused in a positive attitude constantly? How can I tackle the multiple hurdles that stand against me, without falling to anger and frustration?
Exams are coming soon. Submissions are coming soon. And this semester, I have to do a hell lot better than what I did previously. Not just for the results, but also to prove to myself that I have a future, and I am better than everyone else.
Not surprisingly, there are a lot of resentment going on in school. Against the workloads, against the lack of practice facilities, against the lack of consistant lessons, etc. But still, half of it is blown way out of proportion, and the other half, simply a by-product of stress and anger.
Certain issues in the past couple of weeks have been blown up to rather big. And is causing quite a lot of tension and friction among some people. Am I being selfish, or two faced by simply listening to all sides of the story and staying focused on my target? But bystanders can see the reasons for the decisions made by my colleagues.
Quoting a certain someone, "a teacher is not simply one you learn from, but a mentor that guides you through life." Which I think is rather true. In a way, good educators teach students skills that will be of use in the future in different situations.
Back to recent events, Xinmin Secondary School Symphonic Band (XMSB) has attained a Gold with Honours in the recent SYF 2009. Quite an impressive record, considering that the band sounds weird when broken down into sections. But still, kudos to them. Hope ticket sales will skyrocket through the ceiling!
Do drop by and support yeah?
Xinfony IX
http://www.esplanade.com.sg/whats_on/programme_info/xinmin_symphonic_band/index.jsp
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