29th April 2007
Sunday

More than a week has passed since my last blog entry. During this period of time, I have received comments saying that my blog is like a storybook, my entries are "chim", I'm super "emo", etc.

Well, I do try to blog in good English so as to keep up my English standard. Since there is no English Literature modules in my course, I have to put in some effort into maintaining my English proficiency. As for the "emo" part, I do get thrown off balance at times due to studies, band, and personal life. But to the extent of being called "emo prince"? I think it really is a bit exaggerated. I pale in comparison to the Emo King and Queen. =D

My birthday was spent rather mundanely. Like all other years, I still hate birthdays. All the attention, the birthday wishes. Somehow this day has become another overrated occasion. Regardless of how I feel, I thank the people who have sent me well wishes. First birthday wish on 28th April came from Hoiting. Last wish was from Kenneth.

Outreach program is underway. The secondary school students have went through the orientation and read the pieces. What's left is individual practice, sectionals, combined practices and finally the concert.

Freshies orientation is over. Second round of auditions are on this Saturday where Mr Tan will be auditioning everyone personally. I have absolutely no idea what will happen during this audition or after the audition.

Pops and Classics concert is coming soon. I'm expected to have sectionals for the Outreach students, Freshmen, and also the main section. Crap. Why is there only seven days in a week?

Philyouth practice was cancelled for today again. Seriously, our practices are not really productive and I am getting tired of facing a band without any improvements.

"Weariness is a natural human reaction to negative influential elements"
-Han Yong

20th April 2007
Friday
Driven to extremities

Sometimes I wonder what drives a person to do what he does. Is it pride? Is it duty? Is it obsession? Passion? I seriously have no idea. But what I do know, is that whatever I am doing now, is not a duty. At least, I can always throw these work to other people. But I am still holding on to it and doing my best to serve everyone else. I will call it consideration if I have to name it. To ease the workload of other people. To let people feel that there is something worth working for.

These few days are spent rather busily. I went diving last weekend, almost got murdered by the CCA fiesta, survived through lectures, and planned the band orientation for this Saturday. I like feeling busy. Somehow it reminds me of my existence. Although it also reminds me of my incompetence. How I am so easily buried under piles of responsibilities.

I'll post back again concerning my diving trips. Have too many things to do already.

An hour ago, I read about the Virginia Tech Massacre. Seriously a sad event that has happened. For readers who have absolutely no idea what it is all about, it is a massacre that happened on Monday, 16th April 2007, on the campus of Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in the United States. In this killing, 31 people were killed, and the gunman shot himself.

Whenever I read such things, I will inevitably empathise with the victims and the killer. What could have driven a human being to such extremities? I can't imagine what has he (the killer) gone through before committing this heinous crime.

The greatest sin in music making is not enjoying the music.
-Han Yong

9th April 2007
Monday
Losing my sanity

I'm seriously sick of wearing a mask everyday. I'm so sick of having to force out a smile and act as if nothing is wrong. To everyone else, I might seem to be having my usual bouts of depression. But is it as simple as it seems? I do not understand why I'm feeling blue these few days. Even the upcoming dive trip to Pulau Dayang failed to cheer me up. I feel like a gear box with all the gears totally messed up. Why am I feeling like this? I can't pinpoint the reason.

I really dislike the feeling of being ostracised. I thought I had left those immature emotions behind long ago. But somehow, I realise that I will never go past this stage, emotionally, psychologically or physically. I dislike the feeling of being kept in the dark. The feeling of being lied to. I'd rather have the truth slapped right in my face than to be the last to find out from some 3rd party sources.

Right now, I'm losing my faith in everything. Life seems like a silent black and white film that has lost even its most loyal audiences. Life feels like how an apple strudel would taste like to a man who has lost his sense of taste. Life speaks in a language that sounds all too foreign to me.

Everytime I cross a road, I wish a car would knock me down. Everytime I reach out to close the window, I wish I would lose my balance and fall to my death. Everytime I switch on electrical appliances, I wish there would somehow be an accident and electrocute me.

God forgive me. But I'm seriously sick and tired of living.
For one who refuses to live, there is no right to love. For one who refuses to love, there is no reason to live. I have neither a right to love, nor a reason to live. So will someone justify my existence on this pitiful world?

8th April 2007
Sunday
Of learning and yearning.

Yesterday's incident was continued today. I pissed someone off due to my brainless-ness. So much for 146.

Anyway, today is "phantom day". Basically, it signifies the day where the $99.50 ticket comes in handy. We were seated in the stall seats and there was a pretty good view of the stage. It was my first time in the Esplanade Theatre. First musical that I was watching. But strange enough, my excitement was quite dampened by what happened during the previous day and in the morning.

However, the musical was good. Storyline was as good as Mr Alvin said. Unrequited love. The story develops in a way whereby the boundaries between obsession and possesion becomes blurred. Somehow the lyrics and overall storyline got me a little bit emotional.

Had a conversation with Miss Peiwen and sorted out some stuff. At least my insides area a little more organised now.

For one who refuses to love, there is no reason to live.

For one who refuses to live, there is no right to love.
-Han Yong

07 April 2007
Saturday
Facade: a term to describe the barrier between one's true self and society.

Sorry to those people whom I offended knowingly or unknowingly today.
Some of the outbursts were intentional, some was not.

Band practice just now was fun. I choose to use the word fun because I really enjoyed myself during that 3 hours. For once, the band actually sounded big and good. The pieces we worked on sounded different from usual days. It sounded a lot better compared to the usual rubbish.

CCA Fiesta wind ensemble practice was not very good though. I believe some of us were quite angry at a few people. We read through a few new pieces and settled on the performance pieces.

Is emotion control important?
Would you hide your thoughts and have a facade in front of others, or would you wear your true emotions and face the world?

Be thankful instead of being sorry.
-Han Yong

4th April 2007
Wednesday
one who drifts

Acceptance into a clique is something which I thought I didn't care about. Reality proved otherwise. Apparently, I have found a group of friends in Ngee Ann Polytechnic Band. One that can eliminate the wandering that I have gone through for the past year. Of course, the band is a friendly place. But as a drifter (one who drifts from clique to clique), there is simply no sense of belonging. For the first time in poly life, I feel accepted.

Anyway, Sunday was Peiwen's birthday! The 十兄弟 had her surprise celebration yesterday at Cineleisure Kbox. After the ultra high 'K' session, all our voices were totally warped. We loitered around town area and finally decided on MOS Burger for dinner. Following which, we went to Peiwen's house to stay over.

Well, I just reached home not too long ago. Felt really hungry but didn't have the appetite when I started eating my char siew rice. Maybe it is because I just had breakfast, or maybe it is due to the lack of sleep. Oh well. I can lose weight this way.

And Peiwen pointed out that I have a hunch! Not hunch as in a strong gut feeling, but hunch as in hunch-backed! Man. When did I start hunching? I have to start sitting and standing straight from now on. Operation Straightener commences now!

So much for the summaries of each day's event. I shall stop blogging here and complete the Starcraft campaign ASAP.

I'm looking forward to diving!

Follow your heart and let your emotions lead you, or listen to your mind and lead your emotions?
-Hanyong

2nd April 2007
Monday
One free day

I spent today rather meaninglessly. Apart from the washroom, kitchen, living room and bedroom, I went nowhere else. My bed is seriously becoming my best friend. The whole day was spent watching anime, chatting online and listening to music. What a way to live life.

I have booked the dates for an open water course next week. Monday and Tuesday will be theory sessions, Wednesday and Thursday will be pool sessions. Friday evening we leave for wherever we'll be going. For this course, Krissy will be attending it too. So both of us will be certified Divers after next week.

Anyway, I finally opened all my Angbaos today. After such a long time after CNY, all the red packets have finally been cleared from my room! Now this "battlefield" has much less red in it.

Doing something you will not regret ain't the same as doing the right thing. This is something that I'm in the process of finding out. Whether the decision I made will bring happiness, or bring awkwardness to this friendship.

You know something is wrong with your life when the only friend you have is your bed.
-Hanyong

1st April 2007
Sunday
IQ of 146

Finally a break from practices and performances. For the past two weeks, my whole life has been revolving around quintet practices, bus journeys and band practices. Although I am okay with constant practices, but this schedule is a tad too much.

Yesterday's performance at Grand Copthorne Waterfront was passable. It is the best performance that we had so far. Apart from minor mistakes, miscommunication at certain parts, some mispitching, and some forgetfulness, the performance went on smoothly. And of course, the 8 course dinner, and the red wine.

Today's concert with the Anderson Junior College Symphonic Band was good, although there were many mistakes. Personally, I feel that I did not perform well. My notes were splitting right at the start of the concert. But everything has ended now.

About my appointment as SL, I really want to push it away. Being an SL is just not my thing.

On a random note, I took the IQ test thing and I scored 146. Is that good or bad? =)

Disabilities will not render a person useless. Self-pity will.
-Hanyong