9th April 2007
Monday
Losing my sanity

I'm seriously sick of wearing a mask everyday. I'm so sick of having to force out a smile and act as if nothing is wrong. To everyone else, I might seem to be having my usual bouts of depression. But is it as simple as it seems? I do not understand why I'm feeling blue these few days. Even the upcoming dive trip to Pulau Dayang failed to cheer me up. I feel like a gear box with all the gears totally messed up. Why am I feeling like this? I can't pinpoint the reason.

I really dislike the feeling of being ostracised. I thought I had left those immature emotions behind long ago. But somehow, I realise that I will never go past this stage, emotionally, psychologically or physically. I dislike the feeling of being kept in the dark. The feeling of being lied to. I'd rather have the truth slapped right in my face than to be the last to find out from some 3rd party sources.

Right now, I'm losing my faith in everything. Life seems like a silent black and white film that has lost even its most loyal audiences. Life feels like how an apple strudel would taste like to a man who has lost his sense of taste. Life speaks in a language that sounds all too foreign to me.

Everytime I cross a road, I wish a car would knock me down. Everytime I reach out to close the window, I wish I would lose my balance and fall to my death. Everytime I switch on electrical appliances, I wish there would somehow be an accident and electrocute me.

God forgive me. But I'm seriously sick and tired of living.
For one who refuses to live, there is no right to love. For one who refuses to love, there is no reason to live. I have neither a right to love, nor a reason to live. So will someone justify my existence on this pitiful world?