26th February 2007
Monday
Yet another day wasted alone

I have the habit of blogging entries on fake dates and timings. But this time, I decided against it. Maybe I just want to blog a real entry with real dates and timings.

First up, a quick summary of yesterday, 25th February 2007. Went to Four Seasons Hotel to work under recommendation of Ms Tso. Work was fine, without much mishaps happening. Junsheng was stationed at the fruit drinks section while me, the Ban Mian section.

What happened after work was dumb. I went home without realising I left my bunch of keys in Junsheng's bag. Without my keys, I had no way of getting into my house. Later on, I found out that my brother was home sleeping. But that was not before I wandered the streets for a few hours and travelling to Hougang to meet my dad.

Today, I have left my room for less than an hour. Practically the whole day was spent in my room watching anime. I wanted to catch a movie. But I guess no one has the time since everyone has different schedules now. I struck out the option of catching a movie alone after Weisheng notified me of an unofficial X-Winds meeting later at 7pm.

But I really do not know what the meeting is about. Or what is it for. I guess I will find out later. However, the new committee (if a committee consisting of two people can be called a committee) have no idea of what to do. Or what is expected of them. Not that I want to point fingers, but this is really the case. For quite some time now, this organisation has quite failed to meet the basic defination of an organisation.

An organization or organisation is a social arrangement which pursues collective goals, which controls its own performance, and which has a boundary separating it from its environment.

A statement for you to think about.

24th February 2007
Saturday
Cigarettes and alcohol.

Today was a busy day. Travelling from Sengkang to Hougang, Hougang back to Sengkang, Sengkang to City Hall, City Hall to Hougang, and finally Hougang back home to Sengkang.

The day started off with a visit back to my alma mater. Spent most of the morning listening to the band and making criticisms. I managed to squeeze in a bit of practice during this period. [Tone is still rough, and flexibility is recovering at a slow rate.]

Travelled back to Compasspoint to meet Zheng Ping and we went down to Swissotel together. Training for banquet was kind of slack. Nothing really significant happened although I learnt a few new things. Had a short tour around the hotel area and then we were good to go. Zheng Ping went home and I went to meet Ray, Yiang Shan and Hoiting at Hougang.

Had dinner at Hougang Plaza and then went to the One Stop Entertainment Centre once again for more entertainment. Rotted there and played "Asshole Daidee" for a while and then went home.

I reached my house only to find a moat of shoes between me and the door. After carefully treading through the shoes, I opened the door and was greeted by a waft of cigarette and alcohol smell. Forcing a smile, I went around greeting everyone happy new year. Finally, I made it through the makeshift gambling den that appeared in the living room and reached my room.

And since then, I have been stuck in my room, blogging and uploading pictures onto Flickr.

To end off this post, I have a statement to make.

I hate cigarette smoke. And the smell of alcohol too.

Make that two statements then.

可是事实就是这样残酷的。

23rd February 2007
Friday
One day wasted, one day less.

Second wasted trip to Xinmin. Seriously, if the school is half as supportive of X-Winds as they are for volleyball, all these problems would not be occuring. Screw the useless lamentation.

Blackjack seems to be the main attraction at Ray's house, also known as the "One Stop Entertainment Centre". During this CNY period, cards and cash will appear without fail. Bets ranges from 5 cents to 10 dollars. All amount of bets are accepted. Bankers are always generous with their cash and as the saying goes, "小赌大赢，祖宗显灵" so feel free to invest in this Entertainment Centre.

Apart from distributing money to people, visiting, and eating new year goodies, these few days have been spent in a very useless manner. Maybe something might happen and spice things up a little. At least life will be a little more colourful.

Maybe it is the best answer that you can give and I can accept.
有些时候，你所想的并不是你心里想要的。

22th February 2007
Thursday
新年初五

Yesterday, I received an answer to a question that haunted me for almost a year.

Yesterday, a problem that I had to solve arose.

Yesterday, I started to question my responsibilities that were thrust upon me months ago.

Yesterday, I forgot how to differentiate between responsibilities and obligations.

End

可能是我自己想得太多了。

20th February 2007
Tuesday
新年初三
如果我对你说我爱你，你会相信吗？

今天一早，华老师的学生去了她的家拜年。虽然我们约好十点在Kovan地铁站，我们还是等到十一点才出往老师的家。到了那里，我们发现到我们的班是最早到的。其他人都还没到。我们就在老师的家聊天，打麻将。在老师的家都留到差不多三点左右， 我们就离开了。

After visiting 华老师's house, I met up with the regular band clique and they came over to my house to for more visiting. Siyang tagged along since we lived close to each other. Hoiting and Yiang Shan met us at my place and they had their share of the 红包. After visiting my place, next on the list was Ray's place. So we all took a bus down to Hougang again.

At our regular hangout, we had the usual rotting session. But this time, the session was accompanied with cards and cash. Ray's room was immediately converted into a makeshift gambling den. Resident bankers consisted of Eugene and Chiang Chin. But I was really down on my luck and ended up contributing more than $20. Chiang Chin was a bit more generous than me though.

Having collected their share of red packets and blackjack winnings for the day, everyone was satisfied and went home. This was how 初三 was spent.

19th February 2007
Monday
新年初二

Second day of the new year. My relatives came over in the morning to visit. Although we had already gathered and met yesterday at my grandmother's house, it was our yearly tradition to go visit each others house on the second day of the new year. Just that this year, there were only three houses on the list, although I only went to two out of the three.

They came and watched 满城尽带黄金甲。Quite a dumb thing to do since the storyline was bad and all that. The only part worth watching is the ending, where 据花台 is being played. Yes, it is that bad. So they came and ate the new year goodies, watched the movie and did an annual inspection of the house.

So they came and lingered for a while before moving on to my 叔叔's house. There, we did almost that same things. Except that the movie was Blood Diamond instead of 满城尽带黄金甲. I left after finishing the 鱼生. Took a cab down to Punggol to pick Hoiting then we went to Bishan to meet Ray and Junsheng. Cab fare was a whopping $20.

They came to my place to rot for a while after we left J8. There Weisheng joined us and we went to Hougang plaza for our scheduled Kbox session. Yiang Shan joined us later. Kbox session was fun, but expensive. In a short span of four hours, we burnt over two hundred dollars in total. Junsheng was the one who sung the least. Bathroom singer Miss Tso surprised everyone with her soprano voice and Miss Sng showed her other side to us.

初二was spent with friends at the expense of family time. I guess it was worth it after all.

18th February 2007
Sunday
Chinese New Year 初一
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

I woke up in the morning and realised that my eyes were swollen due to excessive rubbing the previous night. Thus I gave up the idea of wearing contacts today.

Today is the first day of the lunar new year. My sister and brother-in-law came over to my house in the morning. The first thing I remember hearing was the knocking on the door. Then I dragged myself out to the bathroom and washed up.

Waking up early is really a chore. Till now I still cannot understand how people can wake up so early everyday even if they have nothing to do.

Anyway, my sister visited us and then we went down to my grandmother's place together. Like all other years, most of the time during 初一 was spent at my grandmother's place. There, all the families will gather and just waste time there.

Actually, most of the time spent today was on gambling. Although gambling doesn't really appeal to me, I still joined in. Sometimes you have no choice but to follow the majority. "When in rome, do as the romans do." It is a better choice than to reject gambling and sit alone and make everyone think that something is wrong. So I tooked part in the gambling and totally wasted my day there. Well, at least I am $17.50 richer.

This year is a bit different from the past years though. We didn't visit my maternal grandmother's house. As mentioned in my previous post, my maternal grandmother is in hospital, so there was no visiting at her place. However, we didn't visit her in hospital today.

On a brighter note, Weisheng is planning a Kbox outing for tomorrow. And I had a new idea for plot development. Things are going pretty well these days.

17th February 2007
Saturday
A phone conversation, a visit and a dinner.

This morning, at about 0040, I had a phone conversation with Beatrice. We talked about stuff, stuff and more stuff. It also gave me a clearer picture of what I have learnt yesterday. Anyway, the phone conversation went pretty well and soon, it was time to hang up.

I woke up at about 11am after that. Wrote a bit in a narrative supposedly sequel to my 'O' levels essay. Nothing much happened after that and I had time to actually think of how am I going to develop this new narrative. I cleared my room a little and then prepared for a visit to the hospital.

My maternal grandmother is in hospital due to some lung infection and we went to visit her there. She looks so different from when I last saw her. She looks so fragile now. Like how a wilted rose placed beside a rose in its prime would look. Seeing her current state makes me feel depressed. That is the reason why I hate going to hospitals. It makes me feel depressed. I hate to see a person so weak. The only feeling I get from hospitals is death.

I felt so hopeless at that point. But I guess life is like that. Reunion dinner was as usual. Nothing really interesting happened.

Guess this year will be a boring one.

16th February 2007
Friday
The truth is not what it ought to be.

Went down to Anderson Junior College for the CNY performance. I arrived 30 minutes late and step into the band room just as Beatrice messaged me. Looking around, I realised everyone was wearing red. Bloody red, bright red, dull red. There were all kinds of red everywhere. And I was the only one wearing black. So I quickly settled down and joined in the practice. Jason arrived at the bandroom and I got this tight fitting scorpion shirt from him. After changing into it, I made my second appearance in the band room, attracting stares once again. Xinmin people saw my shirt and burst into laughter immediately. Even Zhi Xiang broke down while conducting. Guess my tight-fit shirt was too irresistable for them.

After practice, I decided to stop the jokes and went to change into a decent red t-shirt. We moved up to the hall and performed the only chinese new year song and then we retreated to the band room again. Ray, Weisheng and me left AJC early to have our lunch and also run away from the finale item. Ray went home after lunch and we ( Weisheng and me ) went to look for Zhi Xiang. Zhi Xiang was with Michael and Yong Sheng. After their lunch, we were talking and some frightening things were mentioned.

After that, Weisheng and me finally made our way down to Clarke Quay hoping to buy the clothes I saw yesterday. But somehow, the designs that caught my eye were nowhere to be found. The trip to Clarke Quay was a bit of a wasted trip and we walked down to Funan. We had a long walk there and settled down for dinner.

Fast forward a little, we went to Ray's house to watch tv and rot a little, then we went home.

That is day number 6503 of my life. Spent as meaninglessly as it could possibly get.

15th Febuary 2007
Thursday
Old friends, new hangout

Met Wenjie at Hougang Mall in the late afternoon for a chilling session. It has been quite some time since I last saw him. As the saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder", it applies to friendships too. As I saw him appear in Sembawang music store, I immediately noticed the sharper chin and the increase in pimples. Teaching primary school students must be really tough. We had decided on visiting this music cafe called "The Ark" at Clarke Quay, and so we hopped on the MRT.

Clarke Quay. Just yesterday I had the sudden urge to walk along the Singapore river and just relax amidst the nightlife of Singapore. But since no one was available to walk with me, I decided to forgo that urge. But today, I'm finally here with a friend I have not seen in months. Clarke Quay has a new shopping centre called "The Centre". Not all the shops are open yet, but the shops look interesting enough. Do visit the place in the future when more shops are open. It will be a mall worth shopping.

Anyway, we arrived at Clarke Quay too early - the performances at The Ark starts at 2000hrs. So we walked around aimlessly and explored the new mall and also Liang Court. Time flew by while we were reading in Kinokuniya. I realised at that point that while I am into writing and improving my English, Wenjie is doing exactly the same thing for his Chinese. Maybe one day we will both have our own books published.

We went back to the Ark just in time for the performances. The number of audiences were pathetic. But that did not make the performers less entertaining. Instead, the three singers focused their attention on the five guests that were present and urged us to have more song requests. With their witty remarks and soothing voices, time flew by and soon it was closing time.

Review of the Ark:

• Food: 5/10 Not too much to be expected here. Main courses are pretty normal. Drinks are quite good.
• Singing: 7/10 Wide variety of songs sung. But singers are some times unable to cater to the maniacal song requests made by certain troublesome customers. ( =x )
• Ambience: 7/10 Quite a soothing ambience. Suits the types of songs performed.
• Overall: 6.5/10 A good place to relax after a hard day of work.

15th February 2007
Wednesday
Reliving the past

Slightly less than two years ago, I wrote a narrative essay as preparations for the GCE 'O' level examinations. It is a short work, with emotion development as its primary focus. Hope you will enjoy reading it here.

GIFTS

“This is a hijack! All of you! Gather in the conference hall now!” The masked man barked. Panicking, the passengers pushed their way to the meeting room. The passengers huddled together in fright. We were herded together with the passengers into the hall. Squatting in an awkward position, I looked at my captors, searching for any signs of weakness. When the pirate with the only automatic rifle turned in the opposite direction, I leapt up and pounced onto his back. Somehow, my fingers found a way into the man’s eyes. Taken aback by this sudden retaliation, the other pirates shouted in confusion. The rest of the ship’s crew also used this chaos to overpower the other pirates. I saw the captain, strangely familiar, ramming the butt of a fire extinguisher into the face of a pirate. Suddenly, the blinded pirate suddenly backed into the wall, crushing me. In pain, I released my grasp and dropped off his back. He turned a full 180° and swept a stream of bullets in the direction I was in. I felt two sharp stabs in my left chest and an antagonizing pain gripped me.

“Ah!” I screamed as I bolted upright in my bed, drenched in sweat. The dream was so realistic that I could still feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. I reached over and picked up my handphone to check the time. Three pm. “I’ve been asleep for almost 2 hours now. Well, it’s high time to get to work.” Just as I was about to settle down in front of my notebook, the doorbell rang. Who could it be?

It was a pleasant surprise to see my father’s captain standing in the doorway. My father was a technician aboard the “Sea Rhapsody”, a five star cruise ship with the finest décor. My attention was immediately drawn to the parcel that he held in his arms. It was fairly big and was wrapped in a fierce yellow wrapping paper that screamed for attention. I had almost forgotten that it was my 21st birthday today! Happily, I looked upwards into the eyes of the captain with the intention of thanking him. Instead of a warm, friendly smile, all I received was a grim expressionless face. All of a sudden, the image of the captain from my dreams appeared in my mind. The resemblance was uncanny. Could it be the same person? Hesitantly, I greeted him and felt a bad premonition.

“Ms. Li? I believe we have met before. Nevertheless, I have to make a formal introduction of myself. I am the Captain of the “Sea Rhapsody” aboard which your father, Mr. Samuel Li, worked as a senior technician. I regret to inform you that your father has been fatally wounded in a hijack. He was a brave man who led the crew in a desperate retaliation against the pirates. The pirate whom he tackled broke free of him and swept a volley of bullets around him. Your father was hit in the chest and his lungs were punctured. His last words were to take a letter and a box of gifts to you on your 21st birthday, which falls on this day. Your father then passed on. Ms Li? If there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know.”

This shocking piece of news came crashing into me as I felt my knees buckle under me and I collapsed onto the floor.

“Ms. Li!”

Everything went black.

When I woke up, I noted that I was lying in my bed. Beside me was the yellow box. Then the truth came rushing back to me. Out of the blue, I remembered my dream. Eerily it seems, my dream appeared to be a replay of the course of events that happened on board the “Sea Rhapsody”.

How could it be? My father is… Dead? No. This isn’t happening! He can’t leave me here like this. He promised to be back to celebrate my 21st birthday with me!

* * * * * * * * *

“Angie. Dad will be going to sea for another two months. I promise to be back in time to celebrate your 21st birthday with you.”

“What? You’re leaving again? Why must you always leave me for such long periods of time? Do you know how I feel facing an empty house when I get back from school? Have you ever shown care and concern for me?”

“Must all the conversations we have always wind up in this manner? You know I must go. Our family’s economic situation requires me to do so! Care and concern? Spare a thought for me please. I laboured so hard to support you through your education and you question me like that?”

“Fine! Go and never come back! You’re always away. I almost have forgotten that I had a father. Just get out! Get out of my life! I hate you!”

* * * * * * * * *

That was the last conversation I ever had with him. I replayed the scenario in my head again, savouring every bit of his rich tenor voice. Why did he have to work out at sea? Ever since Mum died five years ago, the family had been in a wreck. Dad lost his job as a ship builder and the family sunk into debts. Dad finally found a job with a cruise company as a ship technician. We finally cleared our debts and our lives became better. But Dad was seldom home. He would be back for about a month before leaving for another two months. But I knew he was right. He had no choice. It was just that I could not accept the fact that our family was already shattered.

Recalling the last conversation rekindled the anger in me. I hated myself for letting him go. Returning to reality, I stared hard at the box. What could he have given me?

Taking in a deep breath, I reached towards the green ribbon that was tied around the yellow parcel. “Green and yellow? Yuck! This is such an ugly colour combination.” I exclaimed in disgust. Trying hard to ignore the green ribbon, I willed my trembling fingers to undo the ribbon.

The contents of the box were revealed as I removed the cover slowly. Nestled safely in the box was a bloodstained letter with a tear in the side, a leather bounded book and a jewelry box.

I picked up the jewelry box with unsteady fingers. Wasn’t this Mum’s? I remembered seeing this box when I was still a young girl.

* * * * * * * * *

“Darling? Does mummy look pretty?”

“Mummy! You look just like an angel!”

“Thank you sweetie. Do you want to look as pretty as Mummy?”

“Yes! Can I? Can I? Please!”

Smiling, Mum brought her jewelry box to my face and showed me the many exquisitely crafted accessories that she had treasured over the years. Picking up a beautiful diamond earring, she put it on for me.

* * * * * * * * *

No doubt about it. This was the exact jewelry box that belonged to mum. Why is it here? We sold the antique box and the contents years ago to pay off the debts we owed. Opening the cover, I found the inside containing only a diamond ring which gleamed under the fluorescent lighting. Beneath it was a handwritten note in my father’s handwriting. In a daze, I picked up the note and read it under the soft lighting.

“Happy birthday Angie! It’s your 21st birthday today. I hope you like this ring that I’m giving to you. I once promised you something special for your birthday. Remember? Recognise this jewelry box? Yes. It’s Mum’s. After working hard for so long, I have managed to buy it back from the antique collector that had bought it from the antique shop. This is my special gift for you in addition to the ring.”

A ring can never replace the time you spent away from me. No amount of money can purchase the feelings that I was deprived of. Why retrieve Mum’s jewelry box? The past is gone. Why hold on to something you know you can never get back again?

Numbed, I placed the ring back into the box and set it aside on my bed. I picked up the next item – the old leather book.

This was an item I had never come across before. Curious to find out about the contents, I opened the book to the first page and saw some words written in cursive. ‘A picture depicts more than a thousand words’

I turned the page and saw our family photo – me, Mum and Dad. The picture was taken two weeks before Mum died in that car accident. Looking at the smiling faces, familiar scenes came back to me…

* * * * * * * * *

“Dad, Mum, lets eat.”

I picked up the pair of chopsticks and was about to start eating when Dad placed a large clump of fried kangkung in my bowl.

“Eat more vegetables its good for you.”

I looked at him and stuck out my tongue. I hated vegetables. When I was young, Mum had to force me to eat my greens. Upon seeing my comical reaction, Mum and Dad both laughed.

* * * * * * * * *

Dinners now would be much quieter. I choked back my tears. No use crying over spilt milk. What’s past is past. I have to be strong to face the future… alone. The thought of being alone brought another wave of tears. Blinking rapidly, I tried to push it back down where it came from.

I closed the album and placed it beside the jewelry box. Not knowing what to expect next, I picked up the letter. The sight of the bloodstains on the letter sent chills down my spine. I noted the tear by the side. The tear was somewhat rounded and it tore a small bit of the paper. The rounded sides reminded me of the Math chapter ‘Circular Measure’. The sides of the tear were bent outwards as though an object of high velocity had passed through it. Could it be… the bullet?

I could not stand it anymore. I needed a breath of fresh air. Slipping the letter into my pocket, I left my house. I walked aimlessly and got on a bus. After half an hour on the bus, I looked out of the window and saw the open sea. I got off the bus and walked mindlessly towards the rocky coastal barriers.

I sat down and removed the letter from its envelope. I unfolded the letter slowly; afraid of finding out what happens next. The condition of the letter was terrible. There were large blotches of blood, smudging the words.


“Dear Angie,

I’m sorry for neglecting you over these few years. It has been hard for you and also for me. Our life has never been the same since Mum left us. But all I’ve been doing is for your sake.

Anyway, I wish you a happy 21st birthday. I’ve prepared a couple of gifts for you that I think you might like a lot. It’ll be a surprise for you. I’m not telling you what they are. It wouldn’t be called a surprise then.

I’m resigning from my job after this trip to spend more time with you. I hope you could forgive me for what I did in the past and allow me to make it up to you.

Angie, you will always be my angel. I love you.

Love, Dad”

And I finally understood his gifts. They were the memories of us being together, before this nightmare happened.

I closed my eyes and gave up holding back my tears. They rolled down my cheeks with no hint of stopping. A sudden laughter pierced through my thoughts.

In my blurred vision, I looked around me and saw a middle aged man holding a young girl’s hand and leading her away from the sea. The tears flowed even faster and harder.

The sky glowed a bloody red as my tears dried. Facing the sun and the open sea, I looked up, and for an instance thought I saw my parent’s faces in the clouds.

“Mum, Dad, I love you too.”

12th February 2007
Monday
Happy birthday Hoiting!

Aerospace Materials and Processes. That was the name of the paper I took this morning. The paper which left me stumped and shattered my confidence. But since it was the last paper of this semester exams, I put into practice what I have learnt from history and wrote as much as I could without actually saying anything.

Anyway, I met Ray, Junsheng and Weisheng at Orchard for a shopping session but nothing caught my eye. All I got from the shopping session was a haircut and lots of walking exercise.

Celebrated Hoiting's birthday with the band people at punggol park and the day ended there.

Not really in the mood to blog about today's stuff, so I'll end this post here.

11th Febuary 2007
Sunday
Old faces, new faces.

Supposed to have a class outing to Sentosa in the morning at 10am. But almost everyone either decided to abandon me, or have something important that cropped up. So the outing became one that consisted of only Bonn and me. What a great way to start the day. We roamed the shops of Vivocity for a short while and then decided to go to Compasspoint. On the way to Compasspoint, we managed to get Jason, Loga and Sheri to meet us there for some catching up. Thus, class outing to Sentosa was changed to clique gathering at Compass Point. We ended up playing truth or dare beside Sakae Sushi.

Had dinner with my family at Sakura after the mini gathering, and then down to Lasalle-SIA for Philyouth practice. Initially, I was thinking of staying at home to study for the paper tomorrow. But I decided to follow my heart and go down for practice. It was the first practice for this new season, and majority of the Philharmonic Youth Winds members had changed. Old faces no longer existed among the many musicians that held their instruments. Instead, new faces stared back as I sought for people I knew.

The new Philyouth, conducted by Mr David Glosz, read through a few pieces. The band sounded different from how it used to sound. Maybe it is because of the different sound concepts everyone has. I sincerely hope that the sound will improve soon, and that Philyouth will quickly regain its former prestige.

10th Febuary 2007
Saturday
A day where tears are more than smiles.

The day started off with the long trip to school for Thermofluids 1 paper. Being me, I left the studying till last night, and I was panicking big time. Dreading for the worst, I dragged myself into the examination hall. I prayed fervently, hoping that the paper would be easy. Well, at least I hoped that the paper would be at least managable. Soon, the minutes to the start of the paper slipped away and the paper started.

I scanned through the first two questions and heaved a sigh of relief. Then as my eyes shifted to the third question, my lower jaw dropped. As in literally dropped. The remaining four questions weren't any better. When I finished looking at the last question, only one thought was running through my head - "siao liao. How to do sia..." Basically, it means that I am screwed. Somehow, I crapped as much as I could and left the hall before time was up. My mood at that time was at its lowest. Luckily, I had some great friends who were there to cheer me up.

After leaving school, I went to Chua Chu Kang to meet up with Karen to go for Adeline's birthday lunch. Waited for quite some time and when she finally arrived, we bought Adeline's card and set off for her place. Walked there and waited for Emily at her void deck. We went upstairs together and surprisingly, there wasn't much people around. As time passed, Ade's friends started arriving. Ronny also arrived then. We ate a little and talked for a while. Then we had to leave. Adeline was pretty upset with the number of her friends present. Quite a few people failed to appear.

After that, I went to bugis to find Ray, Weisheng, Yiang Shan and Peggy. Went for a strawberry float at V8 cafe in Bugis Junction and then they decided to leave for Hougang. I deserted them halfway and took a bus home instead.

I guess I just wanted some time alone to think about my day.
Not a very good day indeed.

9th Febuary 2007
The past that is the past

Sometimes I feel that I am overly attached to the things of the past.

Yesterday was the release of the GCE 'O' Levels results. Xinmin certainly did well, breaking some of the records set by my batch. Many students received their result slip and burst into tears. But not all the tears that were shed were because of overwhelming happiness. Some students did not do up to expectations. Looking at that scene made me recall my time when I was collecting my results. Congratulations to the students who did well. I feel the pride and happiness of each and everyone of you who received your results yesterday. If you did not do up to expectations, do not give up hope. Success only comes to those who persevere to the end! Trust your abilities, and do what you can now.

But after listening to comments that a few teachers made, I suddenly felt lost. One of the comments was this. "Why are you here? You were a thing of yesterday." True enough. My time in Xinmin has ended long ago. But I am still desperately clutching on to the Xinmin identity. Why? I questioned myself throughout the many long hours after that incident. Throwing aside the excuses I have given myself, I have found no reason for me to hold on to the past. Since the day my result slip was handed into my receiving hands, my time had ended. Since that day, I had no reason to come back. Or should I say, go there.

The time has come for me to draw the line between memories and reality.

7th Febuary 2007
200th post!

Went to Xinmin for a little time wasting session again. But left for home after dinner. Reason being that I needed to study. Well, it is true that I need to study. My first paper is on Friday. Which is like two days away? Yeah. I really need to study.

So I went home together with Hoiting since we both are taking the same bus. And listened to more worries about the 'O' levels results. That started me thinking again. Why worry about something that you have no control over? Just cross your fingers and wish for the best. Start worrying about the results only after getting it back.

I did a little revision on Laplace transforms, and was totally stumped by some really simple questions. I gave up after a while and went for a short run. After which I went back to my Engineering Maths 3B.

Nothing really interesting happened. Or should I say, nothing interesting ever happens. It is a miracle how I managed to survive till now without anything happening in my life. Maybe once I find my purpose in life, life will appear to be more meaningful.

Sigh, when can I cease to exist and start living?

4th Febuary 2007
Why do I seek an answer that I will never find?
Happy Birthday Yiangshan and Jun Ming!
Congrats to Ray and Sujin for finally collecting their B&S Challenger and Challenger 2 trumpets respectively!

Been doing what I usually do these days - watching animes. Quite a boring way to live life. But that's the only way to keep my mind off things. Yeah. Another excuse. But animes are seriously taking a vital role in my life now. XD

Earlier on in the day, I read in the papers about how the sea level will rise by about 10+ to 50+ cm in a couple more years. And how a particular island has already had its total land area cut down to 8km² from 12km².

Everything is going to end soon. The climate changes will lead to rise in sea level, agriculture will be affected, weather patterns will change. Winter might not have snow anymore, and summer might be cold. Many animals are going to be extinct because of these changes, and many lives will be lost.

If only we humans had some way to repair the damages we've inflicted on this planet we live on.