Reading off the strokes

27th October 2008
Monday
Deepavali

Done a online handwriting analysis, link gotten from Kosin, here are my results.

i) Han Yong is moderately outgoing.

• kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes.

ii) Han Yong will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows.

• Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad.
• Has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. Psychology calls Han Yong an ambivert.

iii) Han Yong is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically.

• He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to.

iv) Han Yong doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

v) Han Yong will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Han Yong believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

vi) He is basically honest with a tendency to lie in certain circumstances.

• This results from a combination of secretiveness (the desire to keep things private) and self deceit (the desire to not accept something in his life at the moment).
• He feels the truth is not what he wants people to know.

vii) In reference to Han Yong's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind.

• He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things.
• He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles.
• He probably gets too many things going at once.
• When Han Yong slows down, then he becomes more creative than before.
• He has the best of two kinds of minds.
• One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind.

viii) Han Yong is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth.

• He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts.

ix) Han Yong is sarcastic.

• This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt.
• He pokes people harder than he gets poked. (Sounds wrong.)
• These sarcastic remarks can be very funny.
• They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

x) Han Yong allows many people into his life because he is accepting and trusting.

xi) Han Yong has a vivid imagination.

xii) Han Yong is open to some very new ideas sexually and is willing to try anything once.

xiii) The right side of the page represents the future and Han Yong seems unwilling to face the fear of getting started living now and planning for the future.

• Han Yong seems to be clinging to past events, withdrawing, and spending lots of time thinking about what happened or what might happen in the future.
• Get a move on!

That's it for the random analysis.

Creator.

18th October 2008
Saturday

I used to believe there was a superior being somewhere, watching over us. Always compassionate and caring and full of love. I used to think that a creator created us all, equal amongst one another and full of brotherly love. I used to think that love built bridges from one soul to the other. I used to believe in a fairytale.

But I came to realise that even if the creator exists, he did not create us equal. He did not give all of us equal opportunities, and some of us were doomed to fail even before our paths begin. Some others, life is a smooth sail down penny lane.

But the talk about nothing being a coincidence and everyone is here for a purpose is ultimately true.

Like an Role Playing Game, every hero needed to have sidekicks - extra characters thrown in to elevate the main character. Like every novel, victims had to glorify the antagonist and in turn, the antagonist raises the status of the protagonist.

Murder.

17th October 2008
Friday

They say words are sharper knives. How ironic for me, who takes pride in my words, to learn that lesson the hard way.

For the first time in my life, murder ran across my mind. It seems like such a simple task, to place a nail gun against another's neck, to pull the trigger and feel the recoil. How long would it take for life to ebb away through a hole in the artery the size of a nail diameter?

It is a dozen years too early for you to preach to me about respect. Respect is something that have to be earned. And judging from your mannerisms, who butt into the business of other people, demanding a voice that has no right to be heard, I simply have no respect for you.

Yes, I am a ill-mannered bastard who does things to sabotage performances just to get a kick out of it. I look down on the people around me because it is fun. I like sarcasm and making a fool out of others. So if you see me around, fuck off. 'Cause I'll probably spit at you in your face or something.

Oh. And I'll fucking pay $200 for that pair of specs.

Distant. Self bollocking session.

15th October 2008
Wednesday
...into the primal stage...

JEALOUSY and despair runs alongside frustration. Or so I believe. Along with a full array of other emotions, mostly negative. Negative negative negative.

I guess all that hate is reflected in my writings and my choice of music. Even the sound that comes out from the end of my trumpet sounds brutal and cold. Why, after thousands of years of evolution, can the human spirit lose its cool and go back into the primal stage where the basic instinct of fight or flight takes control.

Am I not giving my best afterall?

It might be sufficient for some people to sit back and cheer for others, but I want to be more than just that. I want to break through the barrier that separates the spectators from the participants. I want, I will and I must. If I can't, then I am seriously fucked.

"Like a mythological being, gazed upon with envy, yet never understood."
-Han Yong

Frustrate. Life. Blind.

12th October 2008
Sunday
The poor among the rich among the poor.

Why do I feel my shell closing up on me again? Shutting out the pain. No. Rather, shutting in the pain. It is my own struggle, my own journey. No one can ever understand it. No one will ever experience the same fight. To put it in a simpler way, the feeling of life now resembles a long run in waist deep water. The only option is to trudge on against the resistance.

I chose this path. I do not regret that choice.

But stop rubbing in salt at every opportunity. I am so tired of acting resilient when I am actually crawling on my knees, trying for the finishing line.

There's more that I would like to say, but as we all know, life sucks. (Maybe only for me) So you should stop reading about me soliciting pity.

Fuck. I wish I could believe in my own words.

"Accept what you are, but never be contented."
-Han Yong

Making a living off sympathy

8th October 2008
Wednesday
Test of goodwill, or sheer emotion manipulation?

Brass band today was awfully boring. Playing the cornet sucks. At least, playing the cornet that I am using really sucks. Intonation is really bad, the mouthpiece feels weird, and I keep getting double buzz in my sound. Every brass band practice makes me feel totally demoralised, and it really is a waste of time.


I always believe that if we are able to, we should give help to people who need it. By using the word help, I refer to monetary aid. Yesterday, while walking from the train station to AMK hub, I saw this old man sitting in the middle of the walkway holding up a sign. It read "please help me buy something worth $3". He was trying to sell a packet of strawberry flavoured 'Pocky' for $3. Downright ridiculous.

When met with these type of people, I sometimes wonder if such old folks are taking advantage of people's kindness. I can forgive the bad english, but $3 for a packet of 'Pocky' is ridiculously expensive. I wonder how much profits he is gaining for each packet sold. And although I do not know the market price of one packet of 'Pocky', I do have a fair view of how much it is worth. And the price is definitely lower than $3.

Later in that evening, an old man approached the table I was having dinner at, asking for $1. For whatever reasons, I do not know. I simply gave him a gold coin out of goodwill. Then he went over to the next table and asked for a dollar. A table a dollar, ten tables make ten dollars. In that coffeeshop, there were at least sixty tables. $60 for about an hour or less of walking and asking for money? I'd happily do that! No wonder why so many old folks are going around trying to make a living off the sympathy of the population.

But then again, if they already have sufficient financial support from the government, if not their family, they would not have to resort to such means to get money.

Nanyang Academy of Fine Arts Symphonic Wind Ensemble, Brass Ensemble, Brass Band, Chorus and Percussion Ensemble
Directed by Richard Adams and Zechariah Goh Toh Chai

Date: 14 October 2008
Time:8pm
Venue: Lee Foundation Theatre
NAFA Campus 3
151 Bencoolen Street
Singapore 189656

Email: music@nafa.edu.sg
Admission: FREE

Please do drop by and support the NAFA music department. I will be performing in the Wind Ensemble, Brass Band and Chorus. So do drop by and enjoy the music.

"If life is immeasurable, then what does no life mean?"
-Han Yong

The mask 'neath the mask 'neath the mask.

5th October 2008
Sunday

Lazy sunday, as expected after a night of booze and insane laughter, which, unsurprisingly, done nothing more than effectively killing a couple of hours off the night.

Yong Lin's birthday celebration was pretty happening, with a few good laughs here and there. Coupled with a truckload of booze, it was a miracle no one got drowned in his own beer.

On lazy Sundays, usually work is not accomplished and more junk are consumed. That includes more alcohol, which is not a good sign. Nothing gets done, and practices turn out to be unbearable. The only thing that actually feels good on a lazy Sunday, is snuggling up to a cozy corner and watching hours and hours of drama, with near-zilch streaming times.

Back to the topic of this post. The mask 'neath the mask 'neath the mask. It makes us wonder how many masks we actually wear to convince people into a perception of us that makes us somebody that we are. When too many layers get caught up, you lose sight of the real cover, and thus lose your sense of identity.

Quite true in today's world, where races and nationalities seem to take a higher priority than the individual qualities of people. Discrimination runs rampant because of differences in skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, choice of language, place of birth, taste preferences, smell preferences, colour preferences, and all sorts of other ridiculous factors that one may think of.

To not get discriminated, we try to be someone that we are not. How many native Singaporeans try to talk with a faked American or British accent? How many people go for plastic surgeries to change themselves because someone else said they had a flaw? How many people try to act hip or cool just to fit in?

All these I have just written seems to be an attempt to be someone I am not.
Well then, who am I?

"When you lose your identity in your identities."
-Han Yong