6th may 2009
Wednesday
You are deemed to have failed. Chew on that.
I have been feeling pretty fucked up all the while now. Am I giving myself too much stress? But even so, it is simple things like pulse and rhythm. No excuse to mess those up. And also it has been almost 16 months since my embouchure change, and guess what? I am still hiding behind that excuse! Oh would you just give me a slap for that please?
School is nasty these days. I have just failed my Theory Ib even before sitting for the paper. Due to attendance issue, "you are deemed to have failed this module". And with certain staff within the music department, hostility is still running high among the students. Oh, my attendance failure has certainly got to do with them.
But I gave up caring shit about what goes on in school. What is the point of making a whole lot of fuss and making everyone unhappy, but you still cannot play your principle instrument? I have decided that losers will just have to shut the fuck up and simply take all the shit that is dished out to them.
So, one night before the supposedly Theory Ib examination day, I am here blogging, and whining about shit. That makes me an even bigger loser. And then I will whine more. Thus begins the endless cycle of being a big loser.
Funny how some people can make others feel totally worthless just by doing what they do. It just comes so naturally, that even with you hard at work, it seems that never in 27153 years will you be able to produce the same quality with such ease.
Totally clueless about my future. All is fucked? Just the norm.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Breakthrough!
5th April 2009
Sunday
Butterflies and hurricanes.
Checking in again after a long absence. And I have a feeling the next update would take quite a bit of time as well.
There has been some progress in certain matters. Mood has been improving as well. And I do realise that mood has a lot to do with overall performance and attitude. Once I had a slight revelation in my playing, my mood brightened a little, and all of a sudden, everything that has been going haywire in the past two years fell right in line.
But what is immensely difficult is the manipulation of your feelings. How can I stay focused in a positive attitude constantly? How can I tackle the multiple hurdles that stand against me, without falling to anger and frustration?
Exams are coming soon. Submissions are coming soon. And this semester, I have to do a hell lot better than what I did previously. Not just for the results, but also to prove to myself that I have a future, and I am better than everyone else.
Not surprisingly, there are a lot of resentment going on in school. Against the workloads, against the lack of practice facilities, against the lack of consistant lessons, etc. But still, half of it is blown way out of proportion, and the other half, simply a by-product of stress and anger.
Certain issues in the past couple of weeks have been blown up to rather big. And is causing quite a lot of tension and friction among some people. Am I being selfish, or two faced by simply listening to all sides of the story and staying focused on my target? But bystanders can see the reasons for the decisions made by my colleagues.
Quoting a certain someone, "a teacher is not simply one you learn from, but a mentor that guides you through life." Which I think is rather true. In a way, good educators teach students skills that will be of use in the future in different situations.
Back to recent events, Xinmin Secondary School Symphonic Band (XMSB) has attained a Gold with Honours in the recent SYF 2009. Quite an impressive record, considering that the band sounds weird when broken down into sections. But still, kudos to them. Hope ticket sales will skyrocket through the ceiling!
Do drop by and support yeah?
Xinfony IX
http://www.esplanade.com.sg/whats_on/programme_info/xinmin_symphonic_band/index.jsp
Sunday
Butterflies and hurricanes.
Checking in again after a long absence. And I have a feeling the next update would take quite a bit of time as well.
There has been some progress in certain matters. Mood has been improving as well. And I do realise that mood has a lot to do with overall performance and attitude. Once I had a slight revelation in my playing, my mood brightened a little, and all of a sudden, everything that has been going haywire in the past two years fell right in line.
But what is immensely difficult is the manipulation of your feelings. How can I stay focused in a positive attitude constantly? How can I tackle the multiple hurdles that stand against me, without falling to anger and frustration?
Exams are coming soon. Submissions are coming soon. And this semester, I have to do a hell lot better than what I did previously. Not just for the results, but also to prove to myself that I have a future, and I am better than everyone else.
Not surprisingly, there are a lot of resentment going on in school. Against the workloads, against the lack of practice facilities, against the lack of consistant lessons, etc. But still, half of it is blown way out of proportion, and the other half, simply a by-product of stress and anger.
Certain issues in the past couple of weeks have been blown up to rather big. And is causing quite a lot of tension and friction among some people. Am I being selfish, or two faced by simply listening to all sides of the story and staying focused on my target? But bystanders can see the reasons for the decisions made by my colleagues.
Quoting a certain someone, "a teacher is not simply one you learn from, but a mentor that guides you through life." Which I think is rather true. In a way, good educators teach students skills that will be of use in the future in different situations.
Back to recent events, Xinmin Secondary School Symphonic Band (XMSB) has attained a Gold with Honours in the recent SYF 2009. Quite an impressive record, considering that the band sounds weird when broken down into sections. But still, kudos to them. Hope ticket sales will skyrocket through the ceiling!
Do drop by and support yeah?
Xinfony IX
http://www.esplanade.com.sg/whats_on/programme_info/xinmin_symphonic_band/index.jsp
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
A bucket of ice, a bottle of wine.
24th March 2008
Tuesday
I think I need to stop and look at what I am doing. Evidently, my methods now are simply producing a steadily rising blood pressure, and increasingly frequent bouts of tension headaches.
What exactly is wrong?
I need a cask of chilled wine. Coupled with a weekend on a deserted island.
Tuesday
I think I need to stop and look at what I am doing. Evidently, my methods now are simply producing a steadily rising blood pressure, and increasingly frequent bouts of tension headaches.
What exactly is wrong?
I need a cask of chilled wine. Coupled with a weekend on a deserted island.
Friday, March 20, 2009
20th March 2008
Friday
Fucked.
It has been a long walk since where I have begun, but everything is still fucked. Once, there was a glimpse of hope in the future. Maybe, just maybe, I could get a seat in an orchestra one day. But looking at the way things are progressing, I just get a blank in my mind. Why am I such a dreamer? Why do I have such high aspirations, but when I set out to do it, everything just decides to fuck me upside down?
Every inch of progress I make meets with additional, or recurring problems that decides to fuck me another two feets backwards. I seriously want to slit my wrists and end this pathetic mistake called my life.
I feel completely and utterly useless, worthless and hopeless.
Friday
Fucked.
It has been a long walk since where I have begun, but everything is still fucked. Once, there was a glimpse of hope in the future. Maybe, just maybe, I could get a seat in an orchestra one day. But looking at the way things are progressing, I just get a blank in my mind. Why am I such a dreamer? Why do I have such high aspirations, but when I set out to do it, everything just decides to fuck me upside down?
Every inch of progress I make meets with additional, or recurring problems that decides to fuck me another two feets backwards. I seriously want to slit my wrists and end this pathetic mistake called my life.
I feel completely and utterly useless, worthless and hopeless.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Fouler than a foul fowl.
Tuesday
24th February 2009
Status quo: SNAFU
My views on trouble still remains the same. Everything will go wrong at the same time, including rehearsals and reports.
Semester 2 has been a nightmare thus far. Excluding the usual PS workload, there is Wind band, Brass band, Trumpet choir, Choir, all spamming rehearsals without an end to it. And the pieces are not exactly 1 + 1 standard. Thank goodness trumpet choir is done, and no more practices have been scheduled for this term. At least that is a fine break to this hectic, crazy schedule that everyone has been living on for the past weeks.
While living on sugar-highs and minimal amount of sleep, it is inevitable that performance goes downhill, and irregularities in mood patterns skyrocket. And as far as I am concerned, I have not been the meekest geek that I should be. Much as I'd hate to admit it, I'm running on a fuck-it-all attitude now. That is something I ought to tackle immediately, given that my other priorities are settled and sent off to where they belong - light years away from my current location.
Concerning the alumni band, I'm not doing much, but having certain people text me, and accuse me of not sending out a reminder of the change in practice schedule, really pisses me off. I have half the mind of throwing all these admin shit to some other people, and just settle for a normal membership, instead of having to play puppet leader in an organisation where people take things for granted.
If you haven't already figured it out by now, I am utterly and thoroughly in a foul mood, and more shit from anyone might just warrant a week's worth of coal face and so much sarcasm you'd wish you could just strangle me then and there.
"That that is left behind will eventually catch up with you."
-Han Yong
24th February 2009
Status quo: SNAFU
My views on trouble still remains the same. Everything will go wrong at the same time, including rehearsals and reports.
Semester 2 has been a nightmare thus far. Excluding the usual PS workload, there is Wind band, Brass band, Trumpet choir, Choir, all spamming rehearsals without an end to it. And the pieces are not exactly 1 + 1 standard. Thank goodness trumpet choir is done, and no more practices have been scheduled for this term. At least that is a fine break to this hectic, crazy schedule that everyone has been living on for the past weeks.
While living on sugar-highs and minimal amount of sleep, it is inevitable that performance goes downhill, and irregularities in mood patterns skyrocket. And as far as I am concerned, I have not been the meekest geek that I should be. Much as I'd hate to admit it, I'm running on a fuck-it-all attitude now. That is something I ought to tackle immediately, given that my other priorities are settled and sent off to where they belong - light years away from my current location.
Concerning the alumni band, I'm not doing much, but having certain people text me, and accuse me of not sending out a reminder of the change in practice schedule, really pisses me off. I have half the mind of throwing all these admin shit to some other people, and just settle for a normal membership, instead of having to play puppet leader in an organisation where people take things for granted.
If you haven't already figured it out by now, I am utterly and thoroughly in a foul mood, and more shit from anyone might just warrant a week's worth of coal face and so much sarcasm you'd wish you could just strangle me then and there.
"That that is left behind will eventually catch up with you."
-Han Yong
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Take 5
24th January 2009
Saturday
I am halfway through my spring cleaning of my room. Almost everything is going down the chute, and the amount of junk accumulated never fails to surprise me. This year, I am tossing old cellphones(irreparable), old books, and almost all of my lecture notes from my poly days. Finally getting rid of all those crap. My table's pretty empty now, if you were wondering about it. But the overall state of the room is still quite cluttered.
The first two weeks of school is finally over. And this long weekend is much needed. But due to the sudden attack of flu bugs, this festive period has its mood greatly dampened. Hopefully, I'll recover by the time school starts, so I can get in some decent practice.
2009 is settling in. Everything's more or less up and running now. And truth be told, I'm extremely excited about the new year. With all the planned events and the yet to be discovered potential of the new year, I feel that everything is picking up rather quickly.
Oh and if I haven't got my dates wrong, Krissy is returning from the Maldives today. Exciting! Looking forward to another dive soon.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Mountains.
6th January 2009
Tuesday
Wonders of the natural world
My routine has been thorougly trashed due to my inconsistency. And it is the last week of holidays before semester two starts. Two concerts right before school starts - NAFA brass band + Justbrass on Saturday and Ngee Ann Polytechnic Band on Sunday. I have a bad feeling about these concerts though. Hope it turns out fine.
Lots of weird dreams recently, and also a couple of unfounded apprehensions about this new year. I just realised I typed 2008 instead of 2009 for the date of this post.
Anyway, what about mountains? I was listening to Eine Alpensinfonie by Richard Strauss and the sheer intensity of the piece is just beautiful.
Maybe one day I will scale the alps and see for myself what lies at the summit.
"When you're at the foot of the mountain, the natural instinct is to look up. Where do you look when you're at the summit?"
-Han Yong
Tuesday
Wonders of the natural world
My routine has been thorougly trashed due to my inconsistency. And it is the last week of holidays before semester two starts. Two concerts right before school starts - NAFA brass band + Justbrass on Saturday and Ngee Ann Polytechnic Band on Sunday. I have a bad feeling about these concerts though. Hope it turns out fine.
Lots of weird dreams recently, and also a couple of unfounded apprehensions about this new year. I just realised I typed 2008 instead of 2009 for the date of this post.
Anyway, what about mountains? I was listening to Eine Alpensinfonie by Richard Strauss and the sheer intensity of the piece is just beautiful.
Maybe one day I will scale the alps and see for myself what lies at the summit.
"When you're at the foot of the mountain, the natural instinct is to look up. Where do you look when you're at the summit?"
-Han Yong
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