27th June 2007
Wednesday

Trying to get away from the noisy chattering of his friends, he came up with an excuse that he had to meet someone else at the mall. He alighted at the bus stop and started walking towards the mall. Without a destination in mind, he wandered the mall aimlessly, enjoying the solitude. Upon reaching the cinema, he bought a ticket for some random movie and went in. The time alone passed surprisingly fast. Before he knew it, the shops were closing, and sky already dark. Unwilling to head home, he got on a bus that brought him to the airport.

The airport is the other place apart from home which made him feel comfortable. The swarms of tourists, businessmen, students, and families moving to the departure gates, the anticipation of relatives and friends waiting for their loved ones at the arrival hall, the patrols keeping the premises safe. All these and more happening every single day without fail. Although he loathed crowds and people, he enjoyed people watching. And standing at the second storey looking down at the people checking in and walking around became his favourite pastime.

So the story continues, without a direction, without a plot. Writing whatever comes to mind, harbouring the hope that the story will lead to somewhere. It is really my first time writing something without actually thinking of what to write, and without a plot to follow.

26th June 2007
Tuesday

I am tired. Of life. Of acting. Of hiding.

I'm afraid to stop laughing.

Because my tears will roll when that happens.

24th June 2007
Sunday

But can he really abandon his faith, his belief, and his trust in himself, and all that he has known? He had thought of running away from all these. And running away solves nothing. Or so they say. Oh, the dilemma gripes him. A truce might be possible if his enemy was someone else. But how was he to establish a truce with the demons within him? Even now, his insides burn, driving insane. Burning with the knowledge of things beyond him. He knew things. Yet, he understood not. The only reason for all these that he could see was his fluctuating state of emotions.

Emotions that had led him on a wild goose chase for a seemingly impossible goal. A hunt for the rarest of pearls in the deepest oceans. A search for the brightest diamonds in the darkest mines. His emotions brought him to nowhere. His emotions brought him nothing. Nothing but desolation and fury and sadness all rolled into a single form. Even so, he reached out in the confusion, seeking redemption for all the misgivings he ever had.

I just wish I had the strength to carry on. To have faith in my skills. To believe in others. To trust the world.

It scares me with the knowledge that behind the facade of smiles lies a facade of tears. And beneath that, a demented soul waiting to quench the fires of life ever beating in a steady pulse, akin to the bass of a march.

And family and friends and acquaintances. Does no one see the blatant truth that lies in front of them?


The truth that the one here is losing his heart and mind and faith to carry on.

"Would you trust your head, or would you believe your heart?"
-Han Yong

22nd June 2007
Friday

Scabs were forming inside him. Forming on his heart, sealing the wounds that had been afflicted by countless insensitive words. Scabs that hardened his heart. Soon, his world, the world that was full of love, care, innocence, and all other warm things that he could think of, would wither up and die, leaving an empty husk. All that from a scab hardened heart. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered with this existence. It is only one of the many lifetimes that he had went through, and will go through. As part of the cycle, the most he can do is to resign to fate and simply live till the end of his time.

I am confused, worried, frustrated, tired, upset, and apprehensive. About what? Only I know the answer. And I mean to keep it that way.

"Even if you can cheat the world, you cannot deceive your own self."
-Han Yong

21st June 2007
Thursday
Words of the wandering mind

And so, he boarded the bus, oblivious to the chattering of his new friends. They were but a passerby in his life. It would not be long before these new acquaintances of his moved out of his life. No one has stayed an important person in his life save a few. And those few stayed on because of troublesome matters. Matters that he had no idea how to deal with. So, he stored them within him, procrastinating, waiting for a suitable time when the answer to these matters were clear.

Holidays are ending soon. My bank account is going to be topped up soon too. Concerts are drawing close too. Time for practice is running low. My health is not really in the best conditions. So is my mental self. My resolutions risk being jeopardised by my hectic schedules.

So much for a break from studies. Time moves on regardless of whether you are taking a break or studying. Other events still happen even though it is a supposed rest period. Time might have stopped for one aspect of life, but everything else moves on as usual. There is never a rest period. Never a break, nor will there ever be a time when everything stops.

An accursed place to be in, this society is. A place where even the slightest bit of personal opinion has to be carefully masked within words. A society where unhealthy competition is but a commonality. A society where grace is something that has been long forgotten. A society where knifes are thrown at the backs of others.

It is as though the gods, uncaring and unfeeling, has given up on Man, leaving them to do as they wish, even to the extent of brutal, cold blooded murder.

Enough randomness for today.

"Knowledge without understanding is worthless, as is understanding without knowledge."
-Han Yong

18th June 2007
Monday

The cool air stung my face as I stumbled into the airport, half aware of my surroundings. The day was not as long as other days. But I felt the same fatigue as I feel on other days. Wandering aimlessly through the hallways of Terminal 2, I soon found myself at the viewing gallery. Gradually I stared at the 747 through the glass panel and thought about my future.
Words that should not have been said, were said.
Words that should be said, were not said.
Will I end up as a technician working on that Boeing 747, checking tyre pressures, and hydraulic systems? Will I wind up venturing into a profession totally unrelated to my current studies?
Words that could be said, cannot be said now.
Words that would be said, might not be said again.
Each time I think about the future, I get shit in my pants. The future is bleak. If I even manage to get my diploma, what happens if I do not qualify for a University? Well, even if I qualified, what if I choose not to study? Will I get a job with a mere diploma? Most probably, diploma holders will be overworked and underpaid. Which eventually leads to disgrunt and resignation.
Sometimes, words is what makes a relationship.
So I thought of the future. I thought of my past. My past choices, mistakes and decisions. I thought of the present. My current predicament. I thought of the emotions I was feeling. And I realised, again, the reason why I busy myself with so many commitments.
Usually, words is what breaks a relationship.
Most of the time, words are not what mends a relationship.
"Life is made up of an f and a lie."
-Han Yong

16th June 2007
Saturday

I apologise for the lack of updates. Work has taken quite a bit of my time. Although this job has inconvenienced many people, especially those in NPCB, I do not regret taking up this job. There is never an inconvenience as a result of having too much money.

I feel damn unlucky today. Shall not elaborate on the incidents that happened today.

Stopping here.

"Screw the rules."
-Han Yong

6th June 2007
Wednesday
Believe in omens.

Thermofluids 1. I arrived late for the paper and while writing in my name, I missed out a letter. *Omen 1*. While filling in my course name, I missed out a letter again. *Omen 2*. And when filling in the module name, I missed out yet another letter. *Omen 3*.

And guess what happened? I retrieved the calculator from my pencil case to start on the first question and I realised that my calculator had died on me. The screen just went blank and even jabbing the 'reset' button repeatedly failed to work. For a calculation paper such as this one, the worst thing that can happen is to have your calculator go on strike.

The calculator got me all flustered up and I did the paper with my brains working at 50% efficiency.


Had a last minute outing with Liying, Shuxiang and Weihui after the paper and we went town to chill. Since the last meeting, the girls have become even crazier. As expected of a bunch of weird girls.

Well, the day was pretty much wasted on catching up and not studying for the next paper as I should be doing.



Did the Robin Hood quiz a while ago and here are my results.

Maid Marion, Robin Hood, The Sheriff, Little John

You know the so-called facts of life, but not to enjoy life itself. You are not a realist and you are inclined to be stubborn.

Men: Women, you think, are either good or bad, and you overestimate the differences between the sexes. A woman may find you difficult to live with.

Women: You are not sure whether truth and morality go hand in hand or are in opposition. You don't hold a very high opinion of men.

This combination represents 1% of total, 2% of men and 1% of women

"Discrimination comes from within. You ain't discriminated until you discriminate yourself."
-Han Yong

2nd June 2007
Saturday
A period of self evaluation

I snapped twice yesterday. The first time came over the phone. The second time in front of my members. My outbursts used to be infrequent and controlled. But what I am experiencing now is not normal. Maybe I really am losing my sanity.

X-Winds: Action has been taken for the formation of a formal committee. But it is still too early to tell whether the committee can succeed in its designated purpose. Attendance problems are reoccurring, probably due to the fact that Daniel is not present. Maybe things will change when a formal system is set in place.

I have been thinking quite a lot since the suspension of formal NP band practices. And gradually, I have once again drifted away from them. I thought that I could fit in no matter where I went. I felt that I truly understood the psyche of humans. But I realise that my assumptions were wrong. Maybe it is time for me to fade away again.

Within a short period of 2 years, my passion for making music has dwindled. I no longer find a reason for me to do what I am doing.

The reason I play my trumpet is because of my commitments. The reason I hate band now is also because of commitments. If not for the commitments that bond me to NPCB, X-Winds and Philyouth, I would not be playing my trumpet now. If not for these commitments, I might still like music.

It is a period of self reflection. A period of time taken off work, which used to be play, to analyse my changes in attitude. The changes in character. The changes that compel me to commit acts that are against my wishes.

I have changed much. Much of it is also reflected in my music.

Now, the emotions I feel are mostly anger, followed by frustration. My usual blue personality is replaced with a dull, red glowing one. Outbursts of emotion come and go quickly. And if I am not frowning, chances are I am fuming.

I ask myself this every night "Why have I changed so much? Is this change worth changing?"

And each morning I awake to another day, most probably another filled with anger. And at the end of it, all that is left is naught but despair.

"Anger consumes the body, mind and soul, leaving nothing but a memory of the past."
-Han Yong