2nd June 2007
Saturday
A period of self evaluation

I snapped twice yesterday. The first time came over the phone. The second time in front of my members. My outbursts used to be infrequent and controlled. But what I am experiencing now is not normal. Maybe I really am losing my sanity.

X-Winds: Action has been taken for the formation of a formal committee. But it is still too early to tell whether the committee can succeed in its designated purpose. Attendance problems are reoccurring, probably due to the fact that Daniel is not present. Maybe things will change when a formal system is set in place.

I have been thinking quite a lot since the suspension of formal NP band practices. And gradually, I have once again drifted away from them. I thought that I could fit in no matter where I went. I felt that I truly understood the psyche of humans. But I realise that my assumptions were wrong. Maybe it is time for me to fade away again.

Within a short period of 2 years, my passion for making music has dwindled. I no longer find a reason for me to do what I am doing.

The reason I play my trumpet is because of my commitments. The reason I hate band now is also because of commitments. If not for the commitments that bond me to NPCB, X-Winds and Philyouth, I would not be playing my trumpet now. If not for these commitments, I might still like music.

It is a period of self reflection. A period of time taken off work, which used to be play, to analyse my changes in attitude. The changes in character. The changes that compel me to commit acts that are against my wishes.

I have changed much. Much of it is also reflected in my music.

Now, the emotions I feel are mostly anger, followed by frustration. My usual blue personality is replaced with a dull, red glowing one. Outbursts of emotion come and go quickly. And if I am not frowning, chances are I am fuming.

I ask myself this every night "Why have I changed so much? Is this change worth changing?"

And each morning I awake to another day, most probably another filled with anger. And at the end of it, all that is left is naught but despair.

"Anger consumes the body, mind and soul, leaving nothing but a memory of the past."
-Han Yong