26th March 2007
Monday
one of the worst things that can happen

Three years ago, I was appointed the role of Section Leader. Three years later, I am appointed the role Section Leader once again. I have not enough words to express my dislike for this post. Seriously, I feel that being an SL is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone in their band life.

Firstly, the SL has to "govern" over the section, being a role model for the rest of the section. In my opinion, full responsibility of the section comes to the person who holds the title of SL. If the section is unable to play the pieces laid out in front of them, the SL gets the whipping. If the section makes a din during band practice, the SL gets the whipping too. Even though that might not happen in NP band, but it is still under the SL's jurisdication.

Secondly, the SL has to be able to perform as well as, if not better than the members of the section. How can the SL coach the section when the SL himself cannot get his parts right? SLs should be able to demonstrate and perform any parts and pieces to show the section different examples of techniques.

Thirdly, the SL must know how to teach efficiently. Why appoint a SL who have problems trying to relay his thoughts and feelings to the section? That SL might as well be replaced with a metronome if all he does is beat time.

Fourthly, the admin matters in the section gets pushed to the SL. This includes the arrangement of parts for each players, the state of the section cupboard, the section library, and the section accessories. SLs are also supposed to liase with the main committee, Student Conductor and Conductor.

Given these four points, how else would you rate this post as an SL other than it being a damned one?

I look forward to being the trumpet SL.

Shit happens so that you know you are still alive.
- Han Yong

23rd March 2007
Friday
a cloud amongst a sea of clouds

I'm feeling kind of lost.
Like a cloud amongst a sea of clouds. Reaching for the sun that is hidden behind more clouds.

And it is not the first time I'm feeling this way. Somehow, the recent chain of events have left me totally trashed. I feel totally worthless as a student, as a musician, and as a friend. Nothing I am affiliated with seems to be doing well. Maybe I am jinxed. Or maybe it really is my presence that is ruining everything. At times like these, I seriously feel like ending it all by jumping off a building, or dashing out into a busy road.

Anyway, Anderson Junior College Symphonic Band will be having their annual concert Spiritanto XI on the 1st of April at Victoria Concert Hall.
Concert starts at 1730.
Highlights include the world premiere of "Variations on a School Bell Theme", Spartacus and Phantom of the Opera.
Tickets are priced at $10 each.
Interested parties please leave a tag on the tagboard.

If the complexities of life is as simple as abc, then the simplicities of death would be as complex as 123.
- Han Yong

19th March 2007
Monday
...a ventilation for my frustrations...

Finally had a swim on friday. After a few months away from exercising, my limbs seem to have lost its ability to coordinate. It took more than a few laps before I could coordinate the arm-leg movement. The swim was refreshing. It served as a ventilation for my frustrations, and also gave me time to reflect on the past academic year.

Saturday, I went for band at Ngee Ann Polytechnic. Attendance was pretty bad, although I was one of the culprits previously. Played through some pieces, and I had a sudden impulse to shout at the band. Of course, I held it back. NP band is a place where I have no say in anything.

******************************

The big difference between JC and POLY bands, is that the conductors in JC bands only need to work on the TOUGH parts. While in POLY bands, the conductor has to work on almost everything. Including the simple passages that even my grandmother can sightread flawlessly.

People compare Poly bands and JC bands, and then start to whine about how Poly bands are not matching up to JC bands. But since Poly band members seldom practice their own parts on their own, the poly band standard will not surpass, or even be on par with JC standard.

Poly band members, please reflect if you do read this.
The conductor conducts the band.
The section leader brings the individual parts in a section together.
The individual practices and perfects their parts before sectionals and band.

STOP WASTING TIME ON SIMPLE TECHNICAL FAULTS.

******************************

Anyway, I went to work after band. My first day at Stamford Hotel. It was tiring and hectic. I made lots of mistakes there, but in the process gained valuable experience.

Sunday was a boring day, without anything worth mentioning.

As for today, bulk of the time was spent in Xinmin working on trumpets and trombones. Commented on certain parts, but did not change anything. After sectionals, we went for dinner. My initial plans to catch a movie was ruined when everyone decided to go to Ray's house to play/stone/kill time. Played Hearts and Bridge there for quite some time and finally went home.

I can't understand why I am blogging about such mundane and retarded stuff.
Oh well, maybe my next entry will be a tad more interesting.

I want to stop being everyone else.
-Han Yong

15th March 2007
Thursday
...some bonds remain unbroken and unchanged.

An evening spent without any connections to band, music, whatsoever. This evening was planned by old friends, for old friends.

After having a wonderful ramen dinner at Ramen Ramen and speculating about the waitress's age, we bought ourselves tickets to the movie "Stomp the Yard". Great show, with lots of nice rhythm and dance moves.

Hanging out with old friends reminds me of sec 4 times. Although 4E7 is a thing of the past, some bonds remain unbroken and unchanged. We might have changed physically, matured mentally, but friends will remain as friends. Let us maintain this bond for as long as possible.

I want to thank Carol for the encouraging me and cheering me up, Beatrice for the positive words and for putting up with my randomness all the time, and Elaine for helping me check my results and listening to my complaints.

After one day of cooling off, I'm pretty much accepted my results. No matter how bad reality is, it is reality. I have to get used to this new situation that I am in. I can say that my mood has improved since the previous day.

Still, I was disappointed due to the fact that my sms-es went un-replied again. Oh well, one cannot expect too much from a one sided affection.

Living in people's shadows is as good as not living.
-Hanyong

14th March 2007
Wednesday
...then the truth kicked in.

A couple of days back, my parents were pestering me to look for a job. I was so irritated by them that in the spur of the moment, I blurted out this sentence.

"No qualifications how to find work!?"

And after I said that line, the topic turned towards my academics. I have never told myself that in order to be successful, I had to have qualifications. But somehow, something inside me thought that way.

Today, the results for the semestral examination was released. I failed one module. The results for the other modules were a little better. But equally disappointing. My GPA for this semester is 2.6200. I have to repeat my failed module next semester.

When I first gt the news, I felt nothing. Then the truth kicked in. Inside, I feel terrible. I want to cry it all out. But tears just refuse to flow. I want to do better. 2.62 is not enough for me. I stare at the F on my result slip, hating myself for being so useless. I hate myself for being so stupid.

I am afraid. No matter what we believe in, this society calls for qualifications. If you do not have the qualifications, you can forget about getting a good job.

I am afraid of what is going to happen to me. I am afraid of what is going to happen to my future.

What if I cannot even get a diploma?
How will my life be?
Will I end up like my brother selling insurance?
How will I be able to answer to everyone around me?



My life does not belong solely to me.
-Hanyong

13th March 2007
Tuesday
...that one thing that will make my life worth living...

Pardon me if this post is going to sound depressing. I ain't my best today. This post is inspired by what somebody said just now. I can't really remember what he said, but what he said made me blog this entry.

How many people actually achieve something in life?
How many people can lie on their deathbeds with a smile, and proudly say that he or she has lived life without regrets?
How many people can live life without fearing death because they know they have already achieved what they meant to achieve?

The answer I'll give to these answers - Almost none.



People always say they want to achieve something great, they want to make it big. But most of them just say it. Do they actually know what they want to achieve? What do they want to make big? So, they are saying they want to achieve something. And that "something" can be anything. Quite a directionless statement.


We live each day, in search of a way to achieve "something" of a certain value that is worth recognition. We live each day, in search of that one thing that will give our life meaning. In search of that one thing that will make all our suffering and injustice all worth it.


When we know what is it that we seek, we can take initiatives in accomplishing these desires, our targets become what we know as goals. These goals give us a direction in life. They give us meaning in life. Goals give us a reason in life. In short, goals give us life. Without goals, life will be directionless. Life will be meaningless.



Having said this much, I have a confession to make. I have not found my desire in life, so forget about having a goal. I live life a day for a day. And each day I criticise my thoughts and actions. Each day I end up thinking and regretting having wasted another day of my life. I think about ending this meaningless life.


But then I remember about the one thing that will make my life worth living. Maybe that thing, whatever it is, does not exist. Maybe I have already found it, just that I have not realised it yet.



No matter what, I will continue searching for the reason to my existence.


Life is a privilege. Not an obligation.
-Hanyong

12th March 2007
Monday

An extremely short post before more animes.

Went out with Beatrice just now to catch the movie "pursuit of happyness". The movie was okay. Not fantastically good, but passable. And Beatrice was, well, like herself.

I'm having a bad feeling. Can't place it anywhere though.

One sided? Most probably
-Hanyong

11th March 2007
Sunday

There should be philyouth practice today. But since David Glosz is not able to make it. He asked us to have sectionals. However, Mr Yeow said that there is no practice. Since there is a breakdown in communication, the best way out is to take advantage of the benefit of the doubt and not show up at Lasalle.

Therefore, to fully utilise the many free hours that I have now, I shall watch more movies on a marvelous website www.crunchyroll.com.

Feel free to check it out.

Signing off,
Hanyong

8th March 2007
Thursday
The last words I said to her was "Ahma, 我走了."

The demise of a beloved grandmother

On the 4th of March, Sunday, I went to visit my grandmother. She looked so weak and fragile. And she had difficulties breathing. Throughout the whole visit, she just laid there with her eyes closed, breathing hard. I had no idea as to whether she could hear me or not. The last words I said to her was "Ahma, 我走了。" Two days later, on the 6th of March, our beloved grandmother left us. She departed at 0707 on a Tuesday morning.

The arrival of a new life

7th of March, Wednesday, my niece came into existence. She is my sister's second child, and has not been given a name. I have not seen her yet, but I'll post some photos of my nephew and niece soon.

Maybe I will post something else later, or on another day. But these two updates will suffice for now.

6th March 2007
Tuesday
Rantings of an underachiever

I aimed high.
I had dreams.
I want to fly.
I want to soar.

But too bad.
Reality's like that.
You never achieve enough.
At least, you never achieve enough to be recognised.

5th March 2007
Monday
The plant will grow where the fruit falls.

We are all born into families that we cannot choose. Be it rich families, poor families, broken families, big families, or small families. We never had any right to choose which family we were going to be in. Some people might be deemed "luckier" than others because they were born with a silver spoon in their mouths. While some have to go through a rough time in a problematic family. But since we are all here already, we might as well make the best out of it.






I walk the streets everyday with a mask.
A mask that portrays my identity falsely.
A mask that acts as a defence for my pride.
A mask that kills my confidence.
A mask that acts as a barrier between me and the world.
A mask that tells everyone I'm fine when I'm obviously not.




But who really knows the face behind the mask?
被遗失的我，再也找不到自己。

2nd March 2007
Friday
Maybe it will be all worthwhile if I just put my 100% into everything.

Ngee Ann Polytechnic Brass Quintet.

Their vision is to become a leading performing arts group among institutions in Singapore.

Their goal is to bring out the soloist in each individual and develop ensemble skills in each member.

Their pledge is to bring enjoyment in music appreciation to the mass, music orientated or not.


Can they succeed in their vision? Can this organisation achieve its goals? Will they uphold their pledge? In time, we will give fair judgement to this organisation and answer these questions unanswered.


Thus I end my senseless post.

When eyes that water fails to tear.