21st May 2007
Monday
Of feigning illness and existentialism.
I skipped ED today. Might be skipping the rest later. I'm so tired of school. I can't believe I actually woke up today feeling optimistic and happy. Then I thought of what I was looking forward to for today. And my mood just took a 180 degrees turn and I just felt sick.

My life is seriously lacking substance. What is it that I seek? What is it that I crave? What is it that will fill the void in my life?

A few days ago, I was chatting with someone online. She told me it was all about time management. This brings me back to reality. Time management is possible only when you have control over your own time and responsibilities.

In my case, the control over my responsibilities are affected by many people. Which means I do not have sufficient control over the time taken by these responsibilities. Which in turn means that time management is not possible.

This thinking could be an excuse for me to push the blame to other factors. But I have already reached the limit. I am breaking down psychologically and physically. To the extent of me skipping school.



My mind has been wandering about randomly for the past few days. As a result of this random thinking, I have somehow linked breaking up with moving house. Weird combination. But in some ways, breaking up is like moving house.

When you move from one place to another, you feel lost. As a stranger to a new estate, you long for your old neighbourhood. You long for the familiar sights and sounds. The former hangout places where you and your friends congregate. You miss everything from your old home. And so, you try to preserve that image in your memory.

Time goes on. You still miss that place where you spent your childhood years in. But as you return to the place you once loved, you realised almost everything has changed. Reality differs from that image that you have stored in your memory.

Then you realise. Everything moves on, regardless of how many images you have preserved in your heart. Once you are away, changes occur, with or without your knowledge. Somehow, you feel left out. Alone in a new world.

So what I am trying to say here with this comparison is that with one chapter's end, another chapter's will begin. Although you might be unable to let go of the past, moving on is inevitable. If you insist on reading and re-reading the chapter that has ended, you will never discover what the next chapter has in store for you.

Live or lived. Your choice.

A single idea can change a life story
-Han Yong