Slogging over the scores and rearranging them to convenience others. Yet all you could do was to hurry us the moment you came in. Whats this? Have you even lifted a finger to help with the section library? Have you even help teach the juniors? Have you done your role as a senior? You complain about others mixing up your scores. But have you ever taken the initiative to search back your scores? You expect people to be doing all your stuff for you. Think about others. We are doing this for the whole section. And you keep hurrying us because you want to go home early. I'm really having my doubts now.
You always leave us when we are in need of you. Even when you are around, you always have bad moods and not play. You are drifting away from us bit by bit. You think you know us. But do you really? You tease people. But have you really thought of their feelings before? Words come out of your mouth. Some are insignificant, some are hurting. Some are insulting, some are fawning. Do you really think before you speak?
You always claim to have things going on. Does that make you special in any way? Other people have their own lives to lead. You have yours too. Other people has to study, go for tuition, go for CCA and take part in other activities. So do you. What makes you so unique? If other people can manage their time well without complaining, so can you. Out in the society, no one will ever give way to you. Its a dog eat dog world out there. To survive, you just have to manage your time well and not complain about every single thing.

Have a lot of things on my mind, but I just can't type it out here. Feel so tired and sick. Can't wait for the March holidays.

"HAIZ"

These few days very tired. Not just tired tired, its like I'm left without any energy. No mood to do any other things. Totally exhausted. My throat is getting better as time passes. Tomorrow will be the release of the committee list. Don't know what to expect. Guess I won't be in. I can't talk, I can't lead, I can't teach. What else? I can't do anything. Just want to escape from everything. A world with no troubles. A world with no worries. A fantasy world. But I know that this will not happen. No such place exists. What else can I do now? Everyday has the same routine for me. School, band, tuition, homework and revision. There just isn't enough time for rest.

"HAIZ"

Had band just now. Totally exhausted. The new recruits had their chosing of instruments. Took very long. So tiring. Then I had to run around looking for spare instruments. Cassandra and Farhan posted to trumpet. Hunted around 15mins for the cornets. Then finally gave them Cornets 1 and 2. Then joined the main band playing "Under the Sea". Sight read the 1st trumpet part. So damn easy but I just can't count the rests. Having lots of things on my mind now. SS structured question test coming soon. And guess what? I failed another paper. History 12/25. Damn. That makes 7 papers failed. Keep worrying about the band. Have our standard dropped so low that we can't even produce a good 30 minute repertoire? What are we going to do for Xinfony V then? Are we to resort to such simple pieces? Its really insulting the Gold award we claimed last year. No. We MUST improve. No matter what.

Chinese newspaper paper - 31/100
2nd Chinese test - 40/90
1st E maths test - 9/25
1st A maths test - 11/25
2nd A maths test - All wrong...
Chemistry test - 2/20
History test - 12/25

So tired. Came home today at 10pm. Really no mood to do homework. Lucky I did some just now at tuition. Well, at least I got my voice back. Bad sore throat. Got to drink more water. Plus I'm just so tired and sleepy now. Can't resist the temptation. Blog some other day. I need rest.

I feel so lost. What are we living for? Living aimlessly. Doing the same stuff daily. Bugged with lots of problems. What will we achieve by living this life? What can we achieve? Nothing. Living a life with no goals, no dreams, no aims. Wandering about aimlessly, lost among the crowds. People talk about dreams of being doctors, lawyers, teachers. But what really is your goal in life? Think again. What have you really achieved when you successfully reached your ambition.

Brando. Why do this? Change band from Sat to Wed. Now got to rearrange schedule. Weekends will be so free. Unless have band on Sat for drills only.
Feel so useless.
Today took sec ones for drills. My voice almost gone. Voice gone hoarse. Luckily, after awhile my voice alright.
Just had a long chat at the playground with Jun Liang, Chiang Chin and Eugene. Discussing about what we are going to do after the Balloon Hat Festival on the 14th of March. And then talk about some other stuff. Hours passed very quickly. From 7 talk till 8.30. Very long winded.
What did I feel just now? Out of a sudden, I got goosebumps. Looked around but saw nothing. But I could feel that something is nearby somewhere. Even on the way walking to my block. I keep seeing glimpses of shadows. Maybe its my eyes playing tricks on me. But I keep having this uneasy feeling. Whatever it is, I hope it goes away soon.

Great. Now my whole Saturday is gone. :'( From morning to noon, gotta take care of the recruit band. Then after that got break in between. Later its main band rehearsal. All the way until 5.30. Great huh? And the worst thing is, this arrangement is starting this Saturday! Off all days to start. 14th Febuary. Can't have any plans already. All thanks to the new arrangement.

6 weeks into sec 3 and i have already failed 6 tests.
Chinese newspaper paper - 31/100
2nd Chinese test - 40/90
1st E maths test - 9/25
1st A maths test - 11/25
2nd A maths test - no marks (but all qns wrong =P)
Chemistry test - 2/20

Great start to the year. Wish my grades would start improving soon. Tomorrow is the first history test. Aiming to score at least a C. Good luck to me.

Yesterday something terrible happened. Today another one. Just 8 hours ago, the name list for the confirmed members was released. As I expected, my name was not in there. When I saw the list, I felt a mixture of emotions - sadness, anger, jealousy, etc... But after calming down and thinking, maybe being dismissed is better for me. A blessing in disguise? I hope so. At least I wouldn't be so busy even on Sundays.

Ok. First it was bear bear. Now its 'Honey'. All thanks to Shaffen for breaking up my name. Hanyong into Hany ong and then calling me the hany part. -.-lll Lame right? Still pondering over how I'm gonna give her the Valentines gift.
These few days keep on gastric. Then headache. Feel so sick. Just yesterday, got a severe headache. Couldn't think nor do anything. Argh. Gastric again. Nevermind. I go eat some stuff first. If there is time i come back later and write another entry.

Today band damn tiring. After hours of lessons, went to band room then chase everyone to set up before Brando Tan comes. Was supposed to take the band for warm up first, but Brando came just in time. So didn't conduct. Played 1st for Kiroro today. With Ray playing the first solo and me playing the second. Listening to the solo I played gives me a sense of satisfaction. Well, at least i played a solo. Better than last time when I can't even play a duet or solo. How would the brass quintet practice tomorrow go? Who knows. No one can predict the future. Just hope that all would go well and Xinfony V will be as great as the last few Xinfony concerts.

Guess what? The Xinmin Brass Quintet '04 has been approved! Haha. Although it isn't any new news, not everyone knows about the formation. Good news must share with everyone right? Yeah! Hope we can improve our playing and prepare an item for Xinfony V and school events. And this year sec one batch looks quite promising. Believe they can be better than their seniors. All the best Xinmin Symphonic Band!

Ok. I guess I really shouldn't flood my blog with my thoughts and feelings.