The truth about lying about the truth

21st October 2007
Sunday
The truth about lying about the truth.

I really am pretty selfish I guess. For my own benefits, I am even willing to leave others in the lurch and turn my back on them. Well, it is human to be selfish, no? Even with all that past posts against self pity, I still manage to find ways to get by by resolve. And again posting more posts with content which fails to address the problems that stand right in front of me. What problems? Well, if only I could answer this question, maybe I will find my selfishness justified.

Self justification. Yet another way to conceal my failure in judgements. To deceive my self into believing that the selfishness was needed. Studies is more important. Do I really believe in that? Since when have I treated studies with importance? I conceal the truth with lies. And I conceal those lies with the truth I want to believe. This post might well be one of the lies I create to hide my truths.

Yiyang, Weiren, and the other few who always describe me to be someone I am not. I find myself unworthy of the praises you guys bestow on me. Because I am not the person you think I am. If I can do those things you guys have mentioned before, I would gladly accept those praises. But it isn't true! Stop treating me like someone high up. Because right now, I am at rock bottom. The more you guys raise my hope, the harder the fall will be. I have fallen enough times. I am afraid to fall again. Who knows whether I will be able to climb back up onto my feet the next time I fall.

No I am not breaking down.

I am not bursting with depression.

Nor am I agitated.

Perhaps I am demoralised.

Perhaps my belief has been jousted.

Christine, you said that you felt that I want to put studies first. Is that true? I do not have a response to to that statement. Maybe subconciously I feel the need for my studies to act as a cover for my mistakes. Studies is the easiest excuse one can get to cover up any mistakes. But if you lie to yourself too much, you will end up believing that the lie is the truth. Is that happening to me now? Am I taking a lie as the truth? Or am I taking the truth as a lie?

I am baffled. At 2.52am in the morning, I read my words over and over again, hoping to see some real reason behind my decisions.

Am I questioning the morality of my actions? Yes I suppose I am. I suppose I am looking for excuses by consulting others. "Maybe someone will give me a excuse for why I am behaving like that." Am I thinking that? Or maybe it goes along the lines of "I hope someone will kick me between the legs and push me back to where I should be." Hopeful? Delusioned? Pure dumbness?

Am I facing my demons now, or am I simply adding another demon to their ranks? In trying to face my past, am I forcing myself to see a future? By showing myself a possible future, am I hoping to forget the past? By believing that the life is simply a lie, am I deluding myself of my identity?

How many years have I been seeking excuses? "Everything run according to Murphy's law." "People seek to bar me from my dreams." "I feel like a bird trapped in a cage." "The balance is wrong." Even when trying to be true to myself, I lie. Whether it is lying to myself, or to others. The fact is that a lie is a lie.

On the topic of lies, how sure are we that we are not living in a lie? Maybe the transparency we learnt about in Social Studies were a part of a big lie. Maybe the government is lying about their policies and the fairness in the courts are part of an even bigger lie. How can we be sure that the truths that we know as the truth are really truths?

How sure are we that non-fiction is not really fiction being portrayed as non-fiction?

Liars go to hell. Well, that might well be a lie of its own. Maybe they lied about going to hell. Maybe all the liars went to heaven. And because they didn't want too many people in heaven, they lied about going to hell.

"Whoever said heaven was a good place? Maybe they lied too."
-Han Yong